I wonder sometimes why I use this blog- only 18 followers. But that is okay- this is a hard post to write but I want to help people find the solution to our nation’s mental health crisis.
I’ve had another HARD autumn. As I tossed and turned last night trying to find the answer that my daughter so genuinely asked me- What will make you happy? Suffering with mental illness most of my life- the honest answer is I don’t know. But last night God opened my mind and helped me understand, I want to be free of the financial burden of our business.
The stress is too much for me to take any longer. I tried to leave the business last year, I tried to give our daughter the business again this year. She is kind and did not take over our business. So it has been a roller coaster of emotions with some very deep, dark dips into depression, anxiety and panic.
I don’t ever want to let anyone down- most of all my daughter and business partner. So I’ve tried to shoulder the weight of the financial end of our thriving, growing business. But in my own mind, the fears run out of control driving me over the edge of near sanity.
The decisions have all been made. Checked. Cross checked and over thought. I will meet with our drivers today and give them 2 weeks notice of us closing our doors. I will then contact our clients and so on and so forth. My heart hurts for our drivers who have done a fine job and don’t even know the mental health struggle I’ve been battling…. I also know that what they earn from us is a part time wage and we are their 2nd jobs so it’s not like dinner won’t be put on the table for them because of this decision.
I know our daughter will succeed at everything in life. She is an over achiever- my hope is that by splitting this connection my mental health struggles will stop affecting her as severely. Not knowing if your business partner can cover your back STINKS. So while my mental health will always affect her- maybe now it won’t affect EVERY aspect of her life.
It took me 2 months to figure out what was causing this uproar in my stability. As someone who suffers and overcomes depression- please know I am not alone. I find it nearly impossible to pinpoint the downturns- the cycle. I listen to my trusted family who recognize they are about to get hit with another wave of this turmoil and I try to avoid the slippery edges- but Autumn gets me every year- some years worse – some years not as bad.
It is so hard to describe- but these two pictures are fitting of the last two months in my life. I am in the middle of a GREAT dot to dot picture- but I CAN NOT find the next dot. I keep trying and trying but now the scribbles are covering everything and I never found the next dot. And when I see the scribbles and recognize the manic behavior I change- oh no look I have a square peg and all the holes are circles……. my peg won’t fit into any of them… it doesn’t matter if I twist, turn…. hit….. my peg doesn’t fit = which equals I don’t fit- I am not smart – I am unwanted – I don’t belong….. I have learned to take those thoughts captive and argue for myself and speak good into me (with lots of mental health counseling) But I can’t stop the manic from starting- I use it to accomplish lots of really good things – and sometimes that is enough to mask it from changing my life- but not this time.
Another thing that helps with the manic emotions / feelings is to get myself grounded in the moment or space. This tool I forgot about until just today. 5 things I can see, 5 things I can touch… etc. It is VERY calming and if I had remembered this tool faster I might not have scribbled up the beauty of our business.
Change is happening. It will be okay. Paths change. Some things end. Some things improve. It will be okay.