Innocence Gone

      The loss of my innocence.  It all began on my 7th birthday.  I had already learned life was not fair.  Deserted by my father when I was 2, being raised by an alcoholic mother had brought many challenges in my day to day life.

Mom had given me a birthday party in the backyard of my childhood home- 2818 N Richey Blvd Tucson, AZ.  Shelvie, who was her on and off again boyfriend of about 17 years, came and set up a portable pool for the summer.

      I don’t recall who was at the party and only have the memory of one gift.  A new pair of pajamas.

      At bedtime, Shelvie, offered to tuck me into bed.  This started a deep excitement in me.  I thought possibly Shelvie would marry my Mommy and we would be a family.  I would have someone who fill the role of my father and that was exciting for me.  These fantasies ended as quickly as they started.

We walked back to my bedroom and I laid down anticipating having the covers pulled over me.  But instead of pulling the covers over me he reached to my crotch and he ripped a hole through my pajamas and tore my panties.  As the shock began to wear off he covered my mouth with his hand so that I could not scream.  He straddled me and penetrated my vagina with his penis.  The pain was nearly unbearable  I was being ripped into pieces.  He was laughing at me and I did not understand.  I knew if I could scream my Mommy would come and save me.  But he kept firm pressure over my mouth so I began trying to bite his hand, thinking if I could make him move his hand I could scream.

      I managed to bite one of his fingers, at which point he pinched my nose closed.  He never moved his hand.  Now I could not breathe.  I was begging him with my eyes to stop hurting me.  I remember the smell of beer and old spice aftershave.  I was trying to understand how someone who I had trusted could be this mean.  It hurt so bad.  I wanted to breath.  My lungs were on fire for air, my private parts were on fire, the ripping and tearing was excruciating.

      I began to pass out when he stepped off of me, released my mouth and nose to zip up his pants.  I screamed with everything I had left.

     He scooped me up into his arms and began running me out of my bedroom while tickling my ribs.  My Mom was coming toward us.  I was crying and laughing because of the tickling Mom laughed at Shelvie’s antics and let him pass her by.  He raced me out to the pool and tossed me in.

      When I came up for air he grabbed my hair and shoved me under.  He held me under until I thought I was going to drown.  He pulled me up and said in my ear, “If you tell your Mom, I will cut her throat from ear to ear & it will be your fault.”

      He pulled me up out of the pool and set me on the ground.  Mom was walking up and saying ok, that is enough playing.  We have to get her settled down for bed.  I was sobbing hysterically.  Mom knelt down and asked me what was wrong- Shelvie was just playing with you.

      Shelvie took one half of a step behind my Mom and pulled out his knife.  He ran it across his throat while mouthing “YOUR FAULT.”

      My mind raced.  I had to answer my Mommy.  I had to tell her.  I had an idea.  I said “He ruined my new pajamas”.  She laughed and said, silly they are just wet.  I will wash them and you can wear them tomorrow- they aren’t ruined.  Ok!  Plan is working- he didn’t hurt her- she will see they are torn and bloody and will know and will keep us both safe.

       Mommy helped me into dry pajamas and tucked me into bed.

I woke up in the morning.  It feels to me like I was home all alone.  I was very often and do not know if I was alone or not.  I know I saw my pajamas and bloody panties in the trash can in the kitchen.

      Thrown away, discarded.  Not able to repair. Not worth the time to stitch.  Unworthy, unwanted and too much trouble to repair.

I believed then that I was discarded and unwanted.  Knowing that Mommy knew and just threw them away ~ it was telling me You don’t matter.

                                                        Innocence gone.