I have been meditating on how to move forward with this blog. Should I tell of all the abuse I have been thru to start off. Or should I add in healing tales that came long after the abuse.
I have chosen for now to add in the healing as I go. In the past when I have written, I went thru all the abuse and it was too much for me to endure. So this time I am going to remind myself of the healing and bring hope to my readers that healing does come.
I’ve wondered many times why God allowed Shelvie to rape me that night. Throughout my youth my Mother told me I was a bastard child and doomed to hell. She believed that. She apologized for getting pregnant before LeRoy married her, and bluntly explained all bastards go to hell- God doesn’t love you- you were made in sin. Stop wasting these ‘good’ peoples time (speaking of people trying to give me a ride to church). So for many years I believed I was not part of God’s family. Thankfully today I know my Savior and Lord intimately and He has healed me in many, many ways.
Listening to preaching by Dr. Mark Vickler he taught me we can ask Jesus where he was when we were abused. I worked with this and Jesus showed me that Shelvie’s intention was to kill me that night. Jesus moved his hand in the bedroom, and Jesus pulled me out of the pool. He gave EVERYONE free will. Some people use it kindly. Some people use it in mean and hurtful ways. He does not make us do anything- we have to chose to use our will the way we want to. Jesus showed me that he intervened only to save my life. Any other intervention would end free will.
I asked Jesus why my Mommy didn’t help me? He showed me her standing over that trash can weeping uncontrollably. He showed me her pain for my loss of innocence, as well as her complete feeling of hopelessness.
These helped me overcome this incident in my life. I saw that my Mommy really did care. She really was as hurt by it as I was. She felt as hopeless as I felt.
I’ve thought about how to write this in a way that makes sense. I hear my readers asking why I didn’t ask more questions? Why did I stop where I stopped? I can only tell you I was seeking healing for my soul wounds and these images that Jesus led me thru healed all my hurts. Sometimes my healing has come much harder and longer as other posts will show. This is simple, cut and dried without a lot of hoop-la ~ but it worked for me.