Forgiveness

What I heard said on Wednesday night and repeat itself on Sunday was neither of love nor of forgiveness.

But my eyes see things differently than other people – because my eyes have seen the path these feet have traveled. These feet belong to a 7 year old girl who was proudly walking beside her hero – My brother returning home from Viet Nam. Wearing his Army private uniform and Oh So Handsome. We were spit on and they called him everything but ‘My Hero’.
I chose to forgive those people not because I love them, it is because their eyes had not seen what my eyes have seen and they did not understand why he chose to be a soldier or why I chose to love him.
What I saw happen on Wednesday and repeated on Sunday was neither of love nor of forgiveness.
I chose to forgive you – because I love you, not because I understand. I do not. But my eyes have not seen the path your feet have traveled, leading you to make choices I will not always understand. In my eyes your actions on Wednesday and Sunday were conduct unbecoming of an officer or a gentleman.

Graduating from Mental Health Counseling

I was severely depressed and made an appointment with my family doctor to begin another round of Prozac. Michelle the Physician’s Assistant insisted that I contact Colorado West Mental Health. I was skeptical. I did not want to be locked in a psychiatric unit.

I called their crisis line and made an appointment for the following week. I began taking Prozac that night. When I went into CWMH the following Monday I couldn’t even complete the paperwork. It was too overwhelming. I just wanted to end my life. I knew it would break the hearts of my husband and my children so I was trying to find a life line.

I began counseling on a regular weekly basis. We discussed the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, the incest by my father and my prosecuting him for that. We talked about my own arrest for marijuana and the fact that police had moved in just a few houses away causing me terrible fears of being arrested again.

I was diagnosed with Manic Depressive Disorder and PTSD. They gave me “tools for my toolbox” of coping. I applied these tools throughout the week and we discussed what worked and helped and what did not.

I also began gathering with a couple of special friends for our Monday night ‘bible’ study in which we discuss different teachings from a variety of Spiritual people. I was and still am attending church. As I was gaining tools from the world I was also gaining tools from God to overcome depression.

I have come to embrace myself as one of God’s daughters whom He loves and so do I! I am not perfect I have many flaws, but instead of dwelling on my flaws I celebrate my victories! I chose to let God heal me internally, spiritually and mentally.

After 6 months of counseling and never giving up~ Including thru a back injury when all I could do was lay on the floor- I still went to counseling and laid on her floor and talked! After 6 months I stopped taking Prozac. I have never wanted to depend on any drug, legal or illegal to find happiness. I think anti-depressants offer a huge help in many lives, I just personally do not want to take them forever.

I continued to get better and was able with God at my side to weather many storms without wanting to die!

After 18 months of counseling my counselor said she thought I was ready to terminate counseling. We discussed it and decided I am not terminated- I have graduated! I decided to put together a scrapbook to have something concrete to look at if I ever begin to struggle again. I’ve fought with depression for as long as I can remember. It was interesting to look at some of the steps- that I had already forgotten I learned from her! I have integrated them into my daily life so much so that it took putting the scrapbook together to recall why I breathe deeply when I feel stress and so on…..

Many of us have phobias about being declared mentally ill. I am not immune to that. But I would like to shed light onto a dark and scary subject. I have walked thru life ‘hiding’ mental illness until it nearly got the best of me. Thank our Lord and Savior for giving me a family that pushed me to get help. Thank God for walking with me thru receiving that help and for loving me!!

There are many GREAT professionals out there ready to help. Just give them a call~ trust me~ they don’t lock you away in the nut house- they help you, they teach you and they respect you. Just call. It was one of the hardest phone calls I’ve ever made and after I graduated I still think- I am so happy I called!!

 

I’m so broke I can’t pay attention!!

Wow!  I spent the day trying to figure out our finances.  I work 60+ hours a week and am pretty tired of hearing from my better half we are broke.

It is a phrase that falls on deaf ears I am ashamed to admit.  We have been married for nearly 30 years and all of those years he has claimed we were broke.  We were not always broke- but his declarations have come true.

We are upside down in our home- we have two credit cards we use for business expenses that we are no longer keeping paid in full.  We have gotten a 15% pay cut over the last 18 months and are sinking quickly.

I’ve tried to handle the finances alone until I threw my hands up in the air back around 2001 and made him take them over.  He has done a much better job with them than I was, but now it seems we are back to where we were in 2001- too much outgo with not enough income.

One of our cars will be paid off this year.  He told me September but it appears to me to be in December after my research today.  Our youngest is moving back to Colorado and plans on living with us for awhile.  If she is able to pitch in around $400 a month and we pay off the car- that would free up $800 a month and possibly we could begin to get ahead.

I think I might need to change jobs.  The cost of a vehicle is what is eating us up.  If I took a nearby job and  did not drive 350 miles a day, then our outgo would decrease while our income would be close to the same.  I want to do what God has for me to do.  I don’t want to go where God doesn’t want me to go.

If I were to return to CNA work in Rifle it would answer alot of issues.  I would receive health insurance.  The drive to work is less than 5 miles.  So my spending of $600 in fuel each month drops to less than $100.  Also they have a retirement account that is better than the private sector.  So with what I have put away already- then to have theirs should provide a decent retirement.

Mike began receiving his SS retirement this year as well as we surrendered his whole life policy.  We were very upset to learn he would only be receiving $297 every quarter from his whole life policy.  But as I researched today and realized that he had contributed much less than we remembered, his return is fair.  Granted we hoped the return would be much greater, but it is a little over $100 more each quarter than he put in.  And he gets that for the rest of his life. 

I just always thought once Mike retired we would have won all the financial battles and be on easy street.  To look at what we owe, verses what we are receiving today has me wide awake and concerned of how to stop sinking.

We have property and this year I raised hay.  I got $448 for the first cut of hay- I had to spend about $100 to get the neighbors tractor running to use.  I saved that a paid a neighbor to cut it the second time $200.  I’ve not been able to sell that hay yet.  I keep posting ads everywhere and need it to sell!  We will be cutting one more time but overall will probably see about $500 gross profit for lots and lots of labor.

Maybe we should rent out a room after Adriane gets into her own place.  If she helps me get our place ready for a ‘roommate’ then when she isn’t putting in money any more maybe we can share our living space with someone else. 

We put the whole place up for sale at the end of June.  But for what we owe on it, it makes it nearly impossible to sell it.  God can do anything and I am leaving it up to God to lead us and deliver us from this debt!  He delivered me from addictions, He loved me before I knew Him~ I trust God will lead us out of this bondage!