I’ve pondered many things posted in my last blog and keep coming back to why didn’t I help my oldest daughter when she was floundering? Why didn’t I help my youngest daughter overcome the discomfort of being in our home? There were many reasons that lead up to my failure to help my children. I am sharing my personal insights in hopes that it will help someone struggling and make their life a little more simple.
When God blessed me with these beautiful baby girls I was certain God picked the wrong person. They were so perfect. I was so inadequate. How could I ever be good enough to be their Mother. I believed that I was evil and undeserving of anything good. While I wasn’t diagnosed with mental illness until many years later I believe my mental illness began when I was forced to have an abortion when I was only 16 years old.
It is interesting as I write this blog- I have believed as long as I can remember that each and every child born is a gift from God. I believe that God blesses the unions of people with a child. But in my own life I thought God made a mistake. He didn’t bless me- he cursed these babies by placing them with me. That is one of the things I learned thru my mental health counseling. I do not know if others who suffer from mental illness turn things around like that, but I do. When my mind begins to degrade me, I’ve finally learned to grab that thought and rebuke it.
2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
From 1985 through 1999 I felt as thought I was a fake. I didn’t know how to be a Mom. Most of everything I did was best guessing at what I thought a good parent would do. I did not have an example in my life to mimic and improve on. I did the opposite of what I had done to me as I grew up and without having my identity in Christ I didn’t know if I was doing anything right. So I felt I was a fraud.
We were arrested on Nov 19, 1999. I have blogged and written lots about this so I urge you to look through my blog for the details on the arrest if you are interested in that. What I figured out while pondering my last blog was that with FELON written in neon lights over my head I no longer could pretend anymore. Now everyone knew how bad and evil I was.
So I gave up my job of being the mother of two beautiful perfect daughters. They deserved better than me. They are better than I am. I have no right to tell them what to do. I was arrested in front of them. I had to plan on them living with someone other than me. I was by own judge, jury and executioner.
It is the biggest mistake I made. I let them down. No one ever told me, Mothers make mistakes. Bad things happen in life. God doesn’t give up on us. He chose us. We are valuable to God- every single one of us is valuable.
Luke 12:7 KVJ But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.
It was through this devastating event that I began to find my identity in Christ. I wish I had found my identity before I became a mother. I would have done a much better job. More importantly I would have not given up. To my daughters, I apologize for quitting when you needed me the most. I am so proud of each of you. You’ve grown up to be amazing young mothers, ladies, sisters, friends, daughters, Christians, business owners and more. I pray for your strength and wisdom every day.
Satan is working hard every minute of every day to destroy people, families and life as we know it. He knows our weaknesses and he uses every trick possible to break each and every one of us. He succeeded in my life for a little while.
I am grateful for the angels in our lives. There were so many seen and unseen that helped in numerous ways. Some brought food. Some brought encouragement. Others brought bibles and insisted on studies. Others brought our family into a church and held our hands through countless emergencies. There were many people who dropped us like hot potatoes but God brought better people into our lives and helped us. God I apologize to you and ask for your forgiveness that I didn’t recognize it sooner. Thank you God for loving this weird little family so much you didn’t give up even when I did.
So to you Mothers and Fathers out there, brothers, sisters, friends, okay- to EVERYONE!! Life gets rough sometimes- but don’t give up. Keep reaching for the stars until you find God and then keep reaching so that you will have your own relationship with the Creator of this amazing world! Even when you get knocked down- don’t give up. If you can’t fight back, let someone fight for you. Angels, keep up the good work.
Matthew 25:23 New International Version
“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’