Recently one of my grandsons was bullied in school.  It was not a one time event. The bully had been bullying him from the start of school.  My grandson had an open dialog at home about it and seemed to be working through his personal issues of being treated poorly.  He was enjoying going to public school instead of homeschooling and wanted to continue.

The bully then knocked him to the floor and was beating on him in class.  The teacher had to pull the bully off of him and sent them to the office.  Somehow the bully took one of my grandsons notebooks with violent drawings and actually taunted him that now he would be in more trouble than the bully.

My grandson has been expelled until 7th grade or he completes an in patient therapy program.  My daughter walked through all the steps ordered by the principal.  Mental Health professionals told her that he did not do anything that warrants in patient treatment.

While walking through all of this and having other parents and counselors reach out to her begging her to fight because they had all been bullied out of the school as well she had to put this fight on hold to deal with another flaming arrow Satan had pointed at their family.  I wanted to pick up this fight and run but have learned that is not as helpful to my children as it feels like it is to me.

This school has now expelled another student for the pictures he made and we realize that we have to keep fighting.  We have to bring change to this school district.  My daughter has returned to homeschooling with an amazing program that they will continue and not put my grandsons back into this school- but we can’t let others be bullied out!

As we’ve begun sending letters out to the school board and now have sent letters to the State Board of Education concerning the poor bullying training in this district a local newspaper wrote a story and included a portion of what my daughter wrote:  “You got it wrong today. You got it wrong when overnight a suspension turned into expelling a student – a student who was pantsed, shoved into a wall, and shoved over/into his desk. You sent home the victim – the kid being picked on.”

Thankfully the community has stepped forward.  Enough of them read this story and want to help create the change!  They are setting up meetings and discussing programs, fundraising and such!  It is such a relief!  In this violent angry world we live in- we must address bullying from all angles!  Yes these pictures are possible warning signs- but why are the kids drawing these pictures?  They are being bullied- if we don’t help the bullies have empathy for other, help the bystanders find their voice and strengthen the victims we are not going to stop horrible violent acts from manifesting!

Be the change you want to see in the world!  Recognize wrongs and stand for the silent!  Do not allow injustice to prevail!

My daughters blog is:  https://perceptionsby1.com/



Mom’s make mistakes- It is OKAY!!

I’ve pondered many things posted in my last blog and keep coming back to why didn’t I help my oldest daughter when she was floundering?  Why didn’t I help my youngest daughter overcome the discomfort of being in our home?  There were many reasons that lead up to my failure to help my children.  I am sharing my personal insights in hopes that it will help someone struggling and make their life a little more simple.

When God blessed me with these beautiful baby girls I was certain God picked the wrong person.  They were so perfect.  I was so inadequate.  How could I ever be good enough to be their Mother.  I believed that I was evil and undeserving of anything good.  While I wasn’t diagnosed with mental illness until many years later I believe my mental illness began when I was forced to have an abortion when I was only 16 years old.

It is interesting as I write this blog- I have believed as long as I can remember that each and every child born is a gift from God.  I believe that God blesses the unions of people with a child.  But in my own life I thought God made a mistake.  He didn’t bless me- he cursed these babies by placing them with me.  That is one of the things I learned thru my mental health counseling.  I do not know if others who suffer from mental illness turn things around like that, but I do.  When my mind begins to degrade me, I’ve finally learned to grab that thought and rebuke it.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)

 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

From 1985 through 1999 I felt as thought I was a fake.  I didn’t know how to be a Mom.  Most of everything I did was best guessing at what I thought a good parent would do.  I did not have an example in my life to mimic and improve on.  I did the opposite of what I had done to me as I grew up and without having my identity in Christ I didn’t know if I was doing anything right.  So I felt I was a fraud.

We were arrested on Nov 19, 1999.  I have blogged and written lots about this so I urge you to look through my blog for the details on the arrest if you are interested in that.  What I figured out while pondering my last blog was that with FELON written in neon lights over my head I no longer could pretend anymore.  Now everyone knew how bad and evil I was.

So I gave up my job of being the mother of two beautiful perfect daughters.  They deserved better than me.  They are better than I am.  I have no right to tell them what to do.  I was arrested in front of them.  I had to plan on them living with someone other than me.  I was by own judge, jury and executioner.

It is the biggest mistake I made.  I let them down.  No one ever told me, Mothers make mistakes.  Bad things happen in life.  God doesn’t give up on us.  He chose us.  We are valuable to God- every single one of us is valuable.

Luke 12:7 KVJ  But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.

It was through this devastating event that I began to find my identity in Christ.  I wish I had found my identity before I became a mother.  I would have done a much better job.  More importantly I would have not given up.  To my daughters, I apologize for quitting when you needed me the most.  I am so proud of each of you.  You’ve grown up to be amazing young mothers, ladies, sisters, friends, daughters, Christians, business owners and more.  I pray for your strength and wisdom every day.

Satan is working hard every minute of every day to destroy people, families and life as we know it.  He knows our weaknesses and he uses every trick possible to break each and every one of us.  He succeeded in my life for a little while.

I am grateful for the angels in our lives.  There were so many seen and unseen that helped in numerous ways.  Some brought food.  Some brought encouragement.  Others brought bibles and insisted on studies.  Others brought our family into a church and held our hands through countless emergencies.  There were many people who dropped us like hot potatoes but God brought better people into our lives and helped us.  God I apologize to you and ask for your forgiveness that I didn’t recognize it sooner.  Thank you God for loving this weird little family so much you didn’t give up even when I did.

So to you Mothers and Fathers out there, brothers, sisters, friends, okay- to EVERYONE!!  Life gets rough sometimes- but don’t give up.  Keep reaching for the stars until you find God and then keep reaching so that you will have your own relationship with the Creator of this amazing world!  Even when you get knocked down- don’t give up.  If you can’t fight back, let someone fight for you.  Angels, keep up the good work.

Matthew 25:23  New International Version
“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’


I am copying from a FB post made:

Demons got mad as Hell when I started binding Religious and other Satanic Strongmen over the area at The Rifle, Co Fair Grounds where I held a Christian Concert Outreach today in the middle of their Rodeo Fair.
A man was yelling to shoot me and kill me. Cops removed him.
Fair Venders vociferously told the Promoter to shut me down during my concert and later said that they wouldn’t pay their vendor fees because they are atheists and Witches and Obama supporters and my anti Obama comments and anti Trans Gender Bathroom comments were hate speech.
The 2 hour event was advertised as a “Faith Event”.
What were they expecting, average lukewarm church babble ?
I know I’m on track when the demons start screeching.
America is in a spiritual war; good vs evil.
God will prevail.

This speaker was VERY Melodramatic.  I am the promoter that demanded he be removed.  I met with him for a breakfast meeting as was told he would be singing and usually gave his testimony of how he went from a drunken sinner to a christian.

I did not hear his words- but the outcry of his removal did reach me.  I stormed the arena and he said a closing prayer and left.  Then for hours I heard of the hate that he spewed and saw how many left because of him.  One person has said that he feels he wasn’t politically correct, but that he was right in calling people out in their sin.

This breaks my heart.  God has NEVER once called me out in my sin.  He has loved me, exactly where I am at.  He has NEVER given up on me or felt He had to insult me to get me to listen.  I am hard headed and spend more time arguing that we should do it MY way- but God still loves me and NEVER spews hate at me.

We are in a spiritual battle- and it has always been good vs evil.  But if I were going to break it down simple and not spend thousands of words to explain where we are in my eyes it would be this:  When Jesus was alive the ONLY good was in Israel.  The ONLY people going to heaven were the Jews that had not sinned.  Jesus loved the WORLD so much He chose to be born as a human, die, be buried and risen as the Savior of the WORLD.  There is more good than evil today.  Good is world wide- not just in Israel.

I believe we misunderstand what Jesus did for us.  I believe we try to apply our rules to Jesus followers and in doing this we misrepresent God.  God tells us to love the sinner and hate the sin.  When you spew the hate that this speaker did- it is NOT loving the sinner.  I attend more Faith Events than the average citizen and this is the first one that the speaker needed to be removed.

I pray that God forgives you for your melodramatic speaking.  I pray that He convicts you to love your neighbor.  I pray God continues to grow me, guide me and strengthen me.

Yes, My Name is Rebecca Chapter 19

Chapter XIX

Ivan’s (my step grandfather) family was planning a small reunion the summer of 1991.  I had been working on plans for it for a year.  I was excited.  He was going to see his great granddaughters.  Bret would be coming with us too.  Keith was going to be with us as well.  But in the newspaper business it never warranted Mike and I to take time off together so he would be taking care of our business.  The closer it got to time to go, Mike began making it difficult to nearly impossible for me to go.  I got angry at him and said you can’t stop me from seeing my family.  I’ve been planning this for over a year and now you have a problem with it?  He said I have to talk to you.  Ok that night the kids off to bed he said I don’t want you to go.  LeRoy could make his truck break down and kidnap you and the kids.  I would have no idea where to look for you or how to get you back.  I was stunned.  The plan was for me to drive up to the ranch and we would load everything into LeRoy’s truck.  We would then drive to Delta in his truck for the weekend and back by Monday.  I told Mike that is exactly how LeRoy thinks too.  We went to bed.  The next day I said to Mike, I understand your concern.  I really want to be there for Granddad.  Do you have any suggestions?  He said don’t get in his truck.  Take your truck.  So we talked about the possible schemes and traps so I could avoid them.  I drove out to the ranch that Saturday morning.  I informed LeRoy that we would have to take both trucks.  During this conversation he stated that since we would have more room Miss Jessica would like to come with us.  He hollered for her.  This was Jay’s daughter, she was 8 years old.  She came out of the house and to LeRoy.  I saw it on her face.  He had molested her if not raped her.  I was sick to my stomach.  I wanted to be there for Ivan.  I told the kids to get in my truck and we left.  Jessica did not come.  LeRoy followed in his truck.  We got to Ivan’s and I was violently ill with the concern for Jessica.  Everyone thought it was the flu.  It was good to see Granddad and Dorothy.  We spent the night Saturday night and came home on Sunday.  I came running into the house and told Mike he has hurt another little girl.  I couldn’t sleep.  I couldn’t keep food down.  I called my sister.  She had wanted to discuss the abuse each of us had suffered.  I told her about Jessica.  I asked her how I could help her.  She suggested calling social services.  I had tried to file a police report 2 years before but they just laughed and told me it was in the past.  But since then Roseanne Barr a well-known actress had come forward about incest abuse and prosecuted her father.  That was a turning point in America.  It became okay to point the finger.

I called social services and got a woman on the phone.  I don’t recall her name.  She was kind and considerate.  I told her I would not tell her my name I was concerned for my own safety.  But that I knew of a young girl who is being molested and or raped and needed to know how to get her help.  She said she could speak with the girl at school but without her parents agreement there was not much she could do.  Her recommendation was to file a complaint with the police and attempt to give LeRoy a criminal record.  I explained they laughed last time. She told me that with a criminal record they could keep children away from him and she had an officer that would work with me.  We set up a time for me to call back and speak to him.  I called the next day at the designated time and spoke to Lieutenant Roger Vance.  He explained that he would need names and a few facts.  That he would check those out and get back with me about what type of charges could be filed.  I told him I would have to call him another day after I spoke with my husband to see if he agreed.  I trusted Mike.  Mike never hurt me and always had

my best interest at heart.  Everyone else seemed to look after themselves, but Mike usually looked after me.  I shared with Mike what Officer Vance had said.  Mike was uncertain but felt that it would be a good thing to give him the information he wanted.  I spoke with Linda who spoke with Bob and called me back affirming yes answer his questions.  So I called the woman’s office at Social Services the next day at the appointed time and spoke with Officer Vance.  I told him my name, LeRoy’s name and my general answers.  I recall telling him LeRoy was dangerous and always within an arm’s reach of his .22 revolver.  He asked me if anyone could verify that.  I gave him a few names; one was Bobby Shay the owner of the Phillips 66 Gas station in Kremmling.  He asked if he could contact me after he checked these things out I told him yes and gave him our phone number.  He called me just a couple of hours later and said everything I told him had checked out and he would like to meet with me to take an official complaint.  I explained to him that I was providing day care for part of our income and this was not a subject I could openly talk about with the children around.  He willingly met me after 5 PM so as not to upset the children.

He came to the house.  Mike must have been home and kept an eye on our girls because most of our conversation was out front on the deck.  I told him when the abuse started, when I left and some of the things I knew about my father.  LeRoy had told me several stories which made me know how evil he was.  One was that he was at The Cowboy bar in Laramie, WY to get his paycheck cashed from the Fluorspar mine in Northern Colorado.  He had just bought a round for the house and some guy hit him sending him flying down the bar.  He grabbed a beer bottle and chucked it at the guy to slow him down till he could get his feet under him, the guy ducked as a cop walked into the bar.  That bottle hit the cop straight in the mouth.  They arrested LeRoy, beat the crap out of him- he spent 30 days in jail eating food through a soda straw.  The day he got out ‘someone’ walked up to the cops car that beat him, tossed in a stick of lit dynamite with a fuse less than a ¼ in long, laid down beside the car and killed both of them.  The investigators came to the mine to arrest LeRoy for it but all of his buddies gave him an alibi, so they did not arrest him.  He always indicated to me that he did this without exactly saying “I” tossed in the dynamite.  Officer Vance was a little bit excited and told me that murder has no statute of limitations to prosecute and holds a much longer sentence.  He tried to dig up facts on this story.  He used every avenue available to him.  Praise God there has never been any police officers killed in such a fashion in the history of Wyoming, not just Laramie.  So Officer Vance determined that this was a lie.

Another story he told me was he was in a bar in Montrose, CO.  A fight broke out and he killed 6 Mexicans in the bar.  When LeRoy was a child his father beat him when he came home from school getting bullied by some spics and after that beating he learned any good white man can take 7 Mexicans at a time.  He was never bullied by them again.  Then some spics tried to jump him in that bar in Montrose.  They broke his jaw- but he just wrapped his arm around it to hold it in place and killed 6 before the cops arrested him.  He did time in Canon City for that- although he never said how long.  Officer Vance also looked into this.  There is nothing on record anywhere of it.

So we are going to move forward with the charges of sexual abuse against me.  Some of it is past the statute of limitations.  We can press charges for 9 years back.  This is 1992 so any abuse from 1983 which was the last year that I lived with him.  But he took as many details as I could give him from all of it.  He called me and recommended therapy.  He said it looked like this would end up in a jury trial and I would have to face LeRoy.  We all knew I was too scared to do that.  So the state paid for 6 weeks of therapy.  I would go in each week and tell her of the horrors I suffered.  But being concerned that this therapist was working for the state and my everlasting fear of actually being insane I always talked with Mike and Linda about the sessions, before and after.  I wanted to make sure that I would not be locked up in an insane asylum for the things I told her.  Thru this time Officer Vance would call and request different things that pertained to the investigation.  I would tell him I had to check with Mike first and let him know.  Mike became my trusted advisor.  I had seen him many times look after his own best interest.  It is something I do not know how to do.  So I leaned on him to look after my best interest.  He sometimes would give me questions to ask Officer Vance.  Then I would call Officer Vance the next day with the questions.  Once Mike got home from work I would tell Mike the answers.   Sometimes I wonder why the two of them didn’t just talk and work it all out!  I had called my mother and my sister in law to inform them of all of this.  I was certain that LeRoy would be striking out at anyone close to me so I tried to keep my loved ones safe.  Officer Vance was concerned thru the entire investigation that it would boil down to a ‘he said/she said’ case, which is difficult to win.  It came time to make an official statement so that the DA could draw up charges against LeRoy.  We set up the appointment for me to come to Officer Vance’s office at 2:30 PM.  I told Mike I would be home to cook dinner.  He took off work at the golf course early so he could watch the kids.  I drove into Hot Sulphur Springs and met with Officer Roger Vance.  I walked in and told him that I had an abortion when I was 16 yrs old.  LeRoy knew about it and if I was just going to made to look like a slut I wasn’t going any further.   He opened the law book behind him to aggravated incest.  He turned the book to me and asked me to read the charge.  I read it and began crying.  It was clear in print that it was not my fault.  I said ok, then I will make a statement.   He apologized that we could not smoke in his office.  He stated that anytime we wanted to take a cigarette break we could.  We would just step outside have a cigarette and then come back in.  I said ok- I smoked heavily, nearly 2 packs a day.  He set a tape recorder on the desk and turned it on.  He stated his name, the date and case.  He clicked it off and I was standing up to leave.  He was speaking calmly telling me this is how they take statements.  I said I’ve made lots of statements and I had always written them down for everyone else.  He said yes, for a traffic accident but for a case like this we make a recording and then have it transcribed.  I was standing in the door, telling him no.  He assured me that Pat was discrete and had transcribed for the sheriff’s office for over 17 years.  I said I know, I deliver her newspaper to her.  No I can’t do this.  He kept assuring me and got me to sit back down.  I decided it didn’t matter if I spoke or wrote it- people were going to find out about it now.  I said I am ready for a smoke.  We stepped out and smoked a cigarette.  We stepped back in about 3 PM and began my statement.  He had asked me to have it in as close to chronological order as possible.  That is very difficult for me, because with the many years of abuse I can’t tell dates, times, places and such.  The therapist helped me figure out clues like important Holidays close to abuse events to help create timelines…   I began telling Roger about the abuse giving as much detail as possible and occasionally he would stop me and question me.  One of the memories that he questioned me on was the carbon monoxide poisoning.  We determined that was attempted murder but without the blood work to prove the theory we stayed on the incest trail.  Another memory I told Roger about was the photos that LeRoy had taken of me.  There were 11 Polaroid’s.  I tried to be clear and open about all of the abuse.  I remember saying ‘Ok that is all, I can’t remember anything else’.  I looked up at Roger- he said are you ready for a cigarette?  I said Yea, I think so.  We walked outside and I grasped his arm and asked him what time is it?  He said it is 9:30.  I fell to my knees and began shaking.  Thru tears I looked up at Roger and said you mean I just sat in your office for 6 ½ hours making a statement and thought I was there for about a half an hour??    He raised me to my feet and put his hands on my shoulders- he looked me in the eye and said Becky I’ve never heard of anything this bad.  I do not know how you survived it.  I said I have to call Mike.  He said ok.  I went back inside and the dispatcher gave me an outside line.  I called Mike and apologized.  He said I knew you were ok- I called and they told me you were still in his office.  He said he had fed the girls and is it ok if I go to bed?  I said yes, I am going to have cigarette then we have to cross the T’s and dot the I’s and I will be on my way home.  I went back to Roger who was almost done with his cigarette.  I lit one and he lit a second.  I smoked two as well and we went back inside.   We completed the statement and he walked me to my car.  The next day the DA called me and offered his empathy for what I had survived.  He said he was drawing up the charges.  I asked him if letters would be a good thing or not.  He asked what kind of letters.  I explained that LeRoy had tried to rape my sister and we knew it was past the statute of limitations but she would write a letter if that would be helpful.  He said yes.  I also ran ads in newspapers of towns he had lived in looking for other victims.  I called his first ex-wife Linda Hall in Nevada.  She was shocked and all but hung up on me.  The DA called and said that he had the papers ready for his arrest and then Officer Vance called me one day and told me that he thought if I would have a taped phone call with LeRoy and get him to admit to the abuse it would end the concern of ‘he said/she said’.  I was so shocked by the request I simply hung up on Officer Vance.  When Mike got home from work I told him.  He looked at me in dismay.  We talked about the implications that would mean.  Mike told me that he thought it would be considered entrapment and not admissible.  So the next day I call Officer Vance and told him that.  He explained to me that as long as one person in the conversation knows it is being taped it is not entrapment.  That it is useable evidence.  I told him I don’t think I can do this.  I’ve never talked to LeRoy about this, he will know and he will kill me for it.  Worse he will kill Mike in front of me and rape my daughters.  I can’t do this.  Officer Vance said he would work on a plan.  He called me back and said that he would set it up to have LeRoy arrested and charged the minute we hung up from the phone call.  That they would place a tap on our home phone, record the phone call, call for him to be arrested, and remove the tap.  I told him I would have to get back with him.  I went over the plan with Mike.  Neither of us liked it.  LeRoy did unspeakable things to me, but to set him up with a taped phone call felt wrong.  I finally agreed to it.  I spoke with the therapist.  I told her I do not know how to open a conversation about the abuse.  She suggested telling LeRoy that you were becoming frigid towards Mike sexually and needed to understand some of the things that had happened.  I spoke with Officer Vance, he suggested that I write down what I was going to say.  He told me specific words that had to be used for court reasons.  He explained that if it was written down that LeRoy would not be able to distract me as easily.  I could go back to my list when I was having a hard time.  I began working on writing out a list of questions with an opener.  I told everyone that I thought we should do the phone call on a Sunday morning at 7 AM.  That the family would be walking out the door to go to church and LeRoy would be there alone and could talk openly.  We set up a date.  I let NO one see my list.  Officer Vance called me on Monday and told me that he was going to go on vacation and his partner Dan Ellis would handle this phone call.  I told him no, we will just do the phone call when you get back.  Dan doesn’t believe me, he is a friend of my fathers.  Officer Vance said I understand that but Dan is still a good officer and will do his job.  You have nothing to worry about whether he believes you or not.  I told him I had to check with Mike.  Mike didn’t seem to have an issue so the next day I agreed.  I don’t know if it was my sister or therapist who said it would be good practice to tell my story in front of others, since I would probably have to do that in court.  So Sunday rolled around and Officer Ellis arrived.  He was in plain clothes.  He put the tap onto the house phone and I pulled it over to me.  I had my list written on a legal pad and turned it over.  I looked up at Dan and picked up the receiver.  Mike came rushing out of our bedroom.  I hung up the phone and turned the pad back over.  Mike was rubbing my shoulders and introducing himself to Dan.  He was still rubbing my shoulders and I put my hands onto his and asked “what are you doing?”  He said I am here for you.  I know how hard this is and I don’t want you to be alone.  I took a deep breath, stood up and took his hands into mine.  I softly looked him in the eye and said ‘I can’t do this with you here.  I thought you would sleep thru this.  I promise that if we go to court I will tell you everything from my lips and you won’t have to sit in a court room and hear it for the first time, but this is not that time.  He hugged me, said I am going to Pole Creek golf course call me when you are done.  He grabbed his clubs and walked out the door.  I sat down.  I heard the truck start and back out of the driveway.  I was trying to regain the courage and strength to do this.  I looked up at Dan.  He snidely said to me, ‘I suppose you want me to step outside too’ I still looking him dead in the eye said ‘no, I want you to sit there and listen to every word that is said.  I want you to hear every word that LeRoy says.  I don’t care what you think about me, but that man that just left here married ME and I don’t want to wake up every morning wondering how revolted he feels today because of what LeRoy has done.’  With that my fight returned and I picked up the phone and dialed Aunt Madalyn’s number.  LeRoy came to the phone and admitted to the abuse.  He gave no reasons- he told me that he thought women liked it!  I got him to say each of the designated words.  He was reeling from this phone call.  I hung up the phone.  I looked up at Dan.  He said to me ‘I am sorry.  I did not know.’  I said please take the tap off of my phone.  He asked me if I was ok and the tears were going to start.  But Miss Regina woke up and came out.  She had to walk past Dan to get to me.  She saw his gun belt.  I reached for her and she loudly announced Mommy that man has a gun!  I said I know that man has a gun.  He is a police officer and his name is Officer Ellis.  She gave me her that look of ‘are you sure?’ I smiled and said yes I am sure.  I know he is not wearing a uniform but he is a police officer.   Dan had the tap removed and was chuckling.  I said aren’t you going to call for the arrest?  He said he would do that when he got back to Hot Sulphur.  I said but Roger said you would when we hung up.  He tried to assure me that everything was fine and he would call as soon as he was in custody.  I waited for 45 minutes and called Dan.  He said that when he called he was informed LeRoy had left the house and they did not follow.  I told him he was coming straight for me- to put an APB out. He was not taking me serious so I decided to leave.  I loaded up all the kids and some extra clothes.  I drove us out to the golf course and tried to pick up Mike.  He was in the middle of a game and didn’t feel threatened.  He promised to not go to the house until we talked.  I was going to Denver.  I stopped in Empire and called the sheriff’s office- still no arrest.  We got to Denver and did some shopping at Wal-Mart, Petsmart and ate lunch.  I called and was told he was under arrest.  I told Dan that I would not

be home until tomorrow.  They could leave me a message at home if needed.  I had told the kids we would go to a movie and I wasn’t going to skip that.  I called the golf course and got hold of Mike.  I let him know what was up.  He told me to have fun and he would see me at home.  The kids and I went to the movie.  I called one more time after the movie just to make sure.  I was told he was jailed in Grand County at that time without bail.  We drove home.  There were a few panicked phone call messages from Aunt Madalyn.  She at first was calling to let me know he had been arrested and she had no information other than they were bringing him to Hot Sulphur.  Then several more messages screaming what have you done to him and so forth.  Mostly I just kept pressing erase.   The one that got me was Granddad Likes- he said LeRoy was supposed to work on my truck do you know why he didn’t come?  I called Granddad the next day and said I am sorry Granddad but he isn’t going to fix your truck- He is in jail because he raped me.  I told the police everything.  I love you Granddad and I am sorry.  Granddad told me he loved me and he wanted to help.  I thanked him and got off the phone.  Officer Vance called me, he told me he got the photos and he destroyed them himself.  He burned them in his trailer and no one saw them.  I said I thought you were on vacation.  He said Becky I wanted to make sure this arrest went correctly.  He confessed to everything.  There is nothing for him to deny now.  You won’t have to go to court.  I began crying and thanked him.

Mom came up as soon as LeRoy was arrested.  I told her I know he has your address, I do not want you down there by yourself.  One of the nights I put the kids to bed and sat down at the table with her.  I said Mom this is the hardest thing I have ever done.  You have to fill in blanks for me.  I have huge gaps in my memories and because of that it is difficult for me to determine who did what to me.  I need you to put names to faces that are in my mind.  I began describing different events and she would tell me who, what and where.  The huge one that she

placed for me, although I still do not have the actual memory was Carl Hoffman.  I told her what happened when I was 12.  I told her he was married to Gail and I can see his face.  My only memory of his face is that night.  Mom was crying.  She told me that was Carl Hoffman.  I froze.  I said the Carl Hoffman that I said yes come to my house to spread Dave’s ashes?  She nodded.  I said Mom- do you realize I would have killed him?  If I opened the door and saw his face I would have killed him.  Mom this is really important- I need you to fill in all the blanks- I can’t be surprised like that EVER.  We spent most the night talking.  I told her everything.  I told her about Chelvy, and about Frog.  I told her I know you tried to rescue me from LeRoy, but Mom you said to me ‘I know you are LeRoy’s lover.  Come home with me and everything will be ok’ Mom you have to understand I was never that man’s lover.  I was his victim.  I was not there by choice.  I am not sure she believed me.

LeRoy tried to get my medical records for the abortion.  I knew he would.  But he wasn’t able to.  The newspaper printed the arrest story.  My married life with Mike did not include LeRoy so most people did not realize it was about my father.  They knew me as Becky Maloney so there was no mental connection of LeRoy Smith.  I was working at the local café as a waitress and was amazed at the talk of this arrest.  People would read the story then everyone was talking about what had happened in their own life.  I was amazed that every single woman I knew well or just an acquaintance had their own story of sexual abuse in some way as a child.  100% of the women.  Most only told a story of a onetime incident but still that is entirely too much abuse happening everywhere.

LeRoy plead guilty to aggravated incest.  He was sentenced to 90 days in jail and 16 yrs of probation.  I had been getting phone calls prior to his sentencing but they exploded upon his sentencing.  Lyndia, my best friend went to court that day.  She told me that the Judge told LeRoy the only reason I am not giving you 16 yrs in jail is you aren’t worth the state having to pay for your burial.  I hope you go out to the field and let the coyotes eat your sorry ass.  His release date was November 10, 1992.   With Regina’s last hospital stay Mike and I had decided to move to a lower altitude.  He was working at Pepsi and was going to put in for a transfer to Tucson and the girls and I were going to move down there with Mom now.  We did not want to make it easy for LeRoy to find us.  He had stood at his sentencing and vowed he would kill me and the Judge for this.

My Aunt Madalyn called me and vowed that if LeRoy didn’t kill me she would.  I told her if she called me again I would press charges for harassment.  I called Officer Vance and told him.  He called her and assured her of harassment charges.  Jay Noonen called me, he said ‘Paula and I will be picking LeRoy up from jail and on that very same day he will be watching both of our girls while we go out.’  I said Jay I thought you loved your children.  Your children are the only reason I did this.  I told you he would hurt them and I know he has hurt Jessie.  Jay told me I was a gold digger and hung up on me.  I was sobbing when Mike came home.  He was angry and wanted to disconnect the phone.  I said no- I knew people would blame me.  I got a call from Mark Davison.  He thanked me.  He told me his daughter was going to go up there the next summer- if Mark hadn’t learned of this she would have been one of his victims.  Of all the people that knew LeRoy and I this was the only supporting phone call I received.  I’ve never heard from my Aunts, Uncles or Cousins from LeRoy’s side of the family since.

Mike called his supervisor to put in for a transfer.  Matt told Mike I don’t want to lose you- I manage all of Colorado and there are openings at 7 warehouses right now.  You pick which one you want.  We talked about it- we figured we could move in the middle of the night and make it difficult to find us.  But we are smart enough to know anyone can be found.  My brother-in-law Bob called me.  We had spoken several times throughout this but this call surprised me.  He told me that LeRoy was just like a school bully.  I had punched him right in the nose and he would never come around me again.  I tried to hear him, but LeRoy proved to me too many times how vengeful he was.  I had told Officer Vance about his sharp shooting ability.  Many people confirmed that he was an above average marksman.  Officer Vance put into place a lifetime order of protection.  LeRoy is not to be within 50 miles of me ever.  But I told Officer Vance your piece of paper doesn’t keep bullets away.

November was fast approaching.  I applied for a concealed weapons permit.  I was denied.  Mike interviewed at the Grand Junction Pepsi plant but did not feel good about that interview.  He set up an interview at New Castle.  We all came down.  We dropped him at Pepsi and the girls and I went to Rifle to look around.  Regina was 6 and Adriane was 2.  I brought a stroller for Regina.  She was weak and could not walk as far as Adriane could.  She only weighed 36 lbs. and had to have a nebulizer treatment every two hours.  The girls and I found a restaurant called the Fireside Inn.  It had a salad bar, which if I had known I would not have taken the girls in.  They both loved salad bars but children rarely eat enough to make it worth paying for a salad bar.  The waitress was kind and said we have a children’s price for it.  So I let Regina order the salad bar.  She had 5 plates of salad!  I was amazed!  She looked up at me after the 5th plate and asked if she had eaten enough to have dessert!  I said YES!  We drove back to New Castle and met with

Mike.  It looked like it had gone well.  As we were driving away I asked him how it went.  He said he liked the boss and the interview went well.  He thought he could have the job if he wanted it.  I told him Regina can eat here!  I shared our lunch experience and Mike was pleased too.  He called his boss and said yes to the New Castle plant.  He had to be there Oct 1 for the position.  So we got busy finding a house to rent and move to.  He moved down to South Rifle and took the job on Oct. 1st.  I had to stay and finish our notice for the newspaper routes.  Each weekend we moved more things down to Rifle.  Many nights we talked for hours on the phone- it was hard to live apart from each other.  I was glad he called me as much as I called him.  We decided to keep our P.O. Box in Granby.  We still owned the house and would be renting it out so we could check our mail on our trips back up.  We didn’t want to leave an easy trail like a new mailing address to find us.  We rented our house to Randy, Mike’s friend.  As we left that last weekend I had a chuckle at myself.  I felt sad to be leaving ‘my’ home.  It had not been long ago when I swore I would never live in ‘Chris’s ‘house.   Oh my time does heal wounds.

Because I prosecuted LeRoy I lived in guilt for many years.  He had always instilled you NEVER ‘turn’ on family and then the bible commandment ‘Honor thy Father and Mother.  I struggled with this for years.  There was enough blame to pass around between my parents and myself that I kept up the guilt far too long in life.  God finally released me completely and helped me see that I did honor my parents.  My parents received my love and respect more than lots of parents do.  That just because I honestly prosecuted LeRoy did not mean I dishonored him.  As I walked through these realizations I had to learn to forgive myself.  We have all had these: If I hadn’t of smiled, if I hadn’t worn THAT dress, if my body wouldn’t have responded then he wouldn’t have……   I had to take captive every one of those thoughts and throw them away!  I found love in Jesus and hung onto it.  I found no condemnation!  I began putting my name into scripture:  For God so loved Rebecca, that He sent His only begotten Son…… It was imperative that I learn to forgive myself and stop blaming myself.  I was a child that all of these people manipulated and trained up to feel shame, guilt and self-disgust.  God does not want that for any of us!!  NOT EVER!!

Yes, My Name is Rebecca Chapter Eighteen

Chapter XVIII
Dave’s ashes had been sent to me. Sharon thought it would be good to have Bret there for spreading Dave’s ashes. So Bret flew up in late June and spent most of the summer with us. Mom told me that Dave’s best friend wanted to be there too. I set up the time and so forth so that Dave’s best friend could come. I told her to give him my phone number and address so we could coordinate when he got to Colorado. He was supposedly going to fly into Denver and drive up. She was not able to confirm with me if he was going to come. I finally was agitated by her and this request and snapped at her who is this guy? I don’t know of anyone Dave would call his best friend. She told me Carl Hoffman. I thought she was crazy. I had never heard that name and I knew my broth-er really well. I had postponed the original date and finally told her I am doing this.
I believe that God protected me in this. Looking back on this time of my life and knowing that I had completely blocked who Carl was this scripture comes to mind: 1 Corinthians 5:11 “But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idola-ter or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.” My heart tells me that God prevented Carl from coming and protected me and my family from the harm his appearance would have caused.
Spreading Dave’s ashes is for Bret more than anyone else. So LeRoy, the kids and I drove up to Buffalo Park. LeRoy said a prayer of sorts and I spread his ashes. We sat for a while without much to say. We were driving back when Bret tearfully said ‘Why didn’t he know I loved him enough to live?’ I began crying with Bret. Suicide leaves us all feeling so lonely. After Bret went home, Regina told me some disturbing news. They had played ‘house’ and he had directed oral sex to and from her. I was violently ill. Bret had spent some time with LeRoy and I decided that LeRoy had molest-ed Bret, causing Bret to molest Regina. So at that time I thought LeRoy had actually managed to hurt Regina even though I had tried to protect her with all my strength. I asked a neighbor to watch my kids and I left. I drove up to LeRoy’s trailer and got my 257 Roberts Rifle. I knew where he was camped watching some cows. No one knew I had gone to his trailer or that the rifle exist-ed. It was one of our ‘secrets’. I drove up into the trees and parked the truck. It couldn’t be seen from the road, I hiked over to the ridge and laid down on my stomach. I found his camp, there was smoke coming from the fire pit. He usually didn’t get too far away if there was a fire burning. I saw movement. A 4 wheeler, LeRoy was driving it. I was surprised- I did not know he had a 4 wheeler. He pulled up in front of his camp. He was doing usual things and did not seem to know I was there. I didn’t think he would but I was watching details closely. I went over it in my head again. No one knows that I am here. I saw no vehicles or people between his trailer and this stop. I don’t have an alibi worked out yet, but there is no one that can place me here. I can get rid of the rifle- and no one knows about this rifle, except my Granddad, but I already planned on that and was using LeRoy’s shells- so without the gun they wouldn’t be able to match it. Granddad thought LeRoy sold this gun years ago. I did not want to take the shot with him moving- I had to make a kill shot- I knew I could do it if he sat down- I held him in that rifle scope for 3 hours. I could not pull the trigger. Here is the man that caused my baby girl to learn about sex before she should have had to, and I could not pull the trigger. I left. I returned the rifle to its unknown hiding spot. I drove home feeling as though I had failed as a mother. I told Mike what had happened with Bret. I called my sister and told her- she said do you think Dave molested Bret? I said I never thought about that- maybe it wasn’t LeRoy? I called Sharon and told her what happened. I said I am sorry but we need to find out who molested Bret. We all talked openly and Sharon was certain it was simply from Bret walking into the bedroom at inopportune times. My brother-in-law called me. He told me of a time when he was a young boy and experimented with ‘sex’ with his cousin. He said he believed it was child’s play, not abuse. It is normal, although I do understand that to you and Linda it is not. I believe the Holy Spirit kept me from pulling the trigger that day.
We had taken on the Kremmling newspaper route for the Denver Post. It was a small route overall, except we had to drive out to Heeney on Sundays. It was nearing our anniversary and both Mike and Spike (the owner of the bakery in Kremmling) kept urging me to stop by the bakery the morning of our anniversary. Well they were both practical jokers and I did not want some mean trick pulled on me. So I delivered the newspapers and did not stop in. Mike worked at Pepsi. Spike called me at home about 11 in the morning in a panic! He said Becky you didn’t stop in! I said nope, no jokes on me! He said I have a cake for you- Mike ordered it. I am sending it with the milk man can you meet him? I said yes, I am so sorry. I went down to the dairy and met him when he pulled in with a beautiful bakery cake for our anniversary.
I was driving home from Heeney one Sunday morning and there are lots of rolling hills between Heeney and Kremmling. As I crest-ed one hill I saw a herd of deer headed for the highway and would be in the swell of about 3 hills away from me. I arrived there just about the same time they did. It was a large herd so I turned off the truck and was browsing thru the newspaper as this herd crossed. I looked up as the last of them were on the road and there was a three legged deer. His right hind leg was gone basically from the bottom of the hip. There was some skin hanging that looked as though it had covered the upper leg bone but no bone left. I watched them closely as they bounded over the 4 foot highway fence. When he got to the fence he began to panic and was jumping in place and scared. About 6 deer came back, bounded to my side of the fence and encircled him. They nudged him with their noses and it appeared that they were encouraging him to jump the fence. He jumped it and began up the hill and they all followed him. I am still stunned that I got to witness animals taking care of each other. It is not always survival of the fittest.
Mike’s childhood buddy Jimmy had moved to California. He was married to a nice girl, Stephanie. They came for Christmas. They spoiled our girls rotten. I was surprised because this bachelor buddy of Mike’s who did not want Mike to hook up with me sure had transformed and was a family man. It was a fun visit.
My father had been moving around quite a bit. Everywhere that he moved to I called the family or friends and frankly told them that he was a pedophile and to please not trust him around their children. Most of the family began ostracizing me for this but protecting children is worth it. He was living out on the Stuer Ranch. I had spoken to both Jay and Paula. I had told them not to leave their kids with him. Paula never much liked me, but Jay was like a brother to me.
I told Mike about going to the Catholic Church and leaving there believing that God had twisted the Priests words so that I could not hear it. Believing I was going to hell and so forth. He asked me a few questions about it having attended Catholic School for his elementary school years. He began laughing, I told him this is very personal please do not laugh. He assured me he was not laughing at me. He said you had to have gone to an Old Catholic Church. They were preaching in Latin. I said are you sure? Why would they preach in Latin- I know 99% of the people there did not know Latin. They may have known Spanish but definitely not Latin. He said yes, positive. Wow! I cannot describe how healing that was to learn it wasn’t God forsaking me!
I remember when Adriane began walking she would pull herself up on Duke. He would stand as still as he could while she pulled herself to her feet. When she was stable he would take one step and stand still until she took a step and was stable. He would then take another step. It was precious to have a ‘living’ walker for her! Our neighbor was Mary Thatcher (my old boss) and the dog catch-er. Duke loved her! When he wandered away from our home- he would always go visit Mary whether at home or the dog pound. She would call me and say are you missing someone?? Apparently so I am on my way Mary!
I took a job as Motel Manager for the Littletree Inn in Granby. It provided us with a 2 bedroom apt so we lived there and rented out our house. My dear friend Lyndia came to work for me as a housekeeper but truly she did everything. She handled the front desk when needed, helped me with the laundry for the place and most of all loved my children almost as much as me. There was a woman who was the head housekeeper when I was hired as the manager. She turned her resignation in. Her name was Jean Peoples. I watched her work the rest of that day. When she came in to punch out that night I told her I respect your decision to leave. I hope that you will evaluate me, and the type of manager I attempt to be before your notice is over and change your mind. I would like to have you and your skills here. She said she would think about it. By the next Friday she came to me and said if you will allow me to withdraw my resignation I will! I said Happily! She was a hard worker that was dependable. I did not have to go in behind her and finish cleaning rooms. Jean and I became lifelong friends. The previous manager, Debbie sent her teenage sons to pick up the last of her belongings. As the boys walked through the hallway they yanked the posters off the wall and allowed the push pins to fall to the floor. Adriane was crawling and grabbed a pin and swallowed it before I could stop her. I was mortified! I raced her to Dr. Gross-man’s office and said she swallowed a whole push pin. How do we get it out safely? Dr. Grossman chuckled and assured me it would pass through without harming her. I doubted him, but he was right. It never hurt her.
I had a gentleman ask to stay in one of the rooms in exchange for maintenance work. It was a good idea because we had 48 rooms which ran only about 72% occupancy and there is always maintenance to be done. I agreed. His name was Alan and he was very handy. I am filling out the reports from the previous day to fax to the management company when I hear screaming. I step out front and discover Regina hanging from her swing set. Her pony tail got caught up in the top of the swing- I run out to her and hold her up while I untangle her hair- I think how can you hang by your pony tail? Lyndia comes into the office a little while later wanting to use my nail glue. I wore artificial nails and always had glue. I asked her why- she showed me the nose pieces on her glasses were broken and she needed to glue them in place. I said I don’t think this is a good idea. She insisted. I gave her the glue and she promptly glued both of her thumbs to her glasses. I say this type of a day can only happen to me. Alan brings me down some snacks he made and is walking strange- I ask him if he is alright. He sheepishly says well I changed out that fan in room #206, but when I scooted across the stove to get close I accidentally turned on a burner and well… uh… my backside is burned! I knew that I was running a clown motel!
I was cooking dinner one evening when the phone rang. Adriane was getting around very well and I was concerned that she would pull a hot pot down on top of herself so I turned off the stove and pushed the pan to the back and ran for the phone. As I answered I looked back and Adriane was reaching for the stove. I said NO, Adriane that is HOT. Don’t touch. She stopped, looked at me, turned back and put her hand on the burner. I had answered the phone, but don’t remember who it was. I told them I have to go. I rushed to the stove. Adriane pulled her hand off the burner- burnt badly, looked at me and nodded, then said Yes it is hot! She never once cried. We ran her hand under cold water and took good care of it till it healed. She was always my child that raised my horizons and pushed me to learn to communicate in ways others could relate to.
Once again Regina was in the hospital for her 5th birthday. Each year seemed to be getting worse. She wasn’t able to recover quickly or fully. Her little body was worn out from constantly fighting to breath. We talked to the doctors about moving to a lower altitude. They said that wouldn’t help. That people born and raised in high altitudes have stronger lungs than other people and that we just had to find the triggers and remove them from her life. We did more allergy testing. There was never anything conclusive as to what she was allergic to. Her hardest time to overcome was always in February- nothing is growing in February in Colorado. One of her nurses brought her a teddy bear for her birthday- (she couldn’t have stuffed animals) it was bigger than she was! We kept this one- I vacuumed it more than the floor I think! Lyndia ran the motel for me while we were in the hospital. She took care of Adriane during the day and Mike was supposed to take care of her at night. Lyndia called me at the hospital and told me you have to come home. I know Regina needs you but Adriane needs you more right now. I am trying to not leave Regina when Lyndia tells me if you don’t come get her I will call social services, I am not leaving her with Mike again. I called my cousin Linda Gay DeBruyn and asked her to sit with Regina and drove to Granby. Mike was tired, Adriane was arguing with him and he had spanked her that morning leaving a full handprint bruise on her backside. I was horrified. I took her back to Denver with me. There was a Ronald McDonald house that I could get us a room in. I did that for a few days but it was too much to have a healthy little girl cooped up in hospital room, so I called some other friends- Tim and Sharon who said yes we will keep her. They kept her for almost 3 weeks before Regina was released and able to come home. Mike was very contrite and vowed to never punish the girls again.
The profit was larger for this motel than they had ever seen. It had been open for 11 years and only made a profit one year of $5000. The year that I operated it there was a net profit of $81,000. They were ecstatic. I am not a GREAT manager- I am an honest person who turned in all of the money. I was given a paid vacation to thank me for all my hard work. They bought airline tickets for all 4 of us to go to Tucson and see Mom! I have hired a different maintenance man and his wife does some housekeeping, Jim and Jo Ellen. Nice couple and fun to be around. I am get-ting things in order for our vacation and a gentleman walks Regina in who is crying her eyes out. She had climbed to the top of her swing set and jumped off. Her arms are hurting. I thank the gentleman and bring her into the apt. I set her down with ice bags and go about my work. Regina is a bit of a cry baby so I am not too worried about her. An hour later she is still complaining about her left arm. I decide I better take her in before the Doctor closes. I call and take her in- they decide to x-ray her arm- hairline fracture. They splint it and tell me to bring her in tomorrow for a cast. Ok, wow! Finally a ‘normal’ childhood Doctor visit! We go home, get up the next morning and Mike takes her in for the cast. We are leaving on vacation the next day and there is lots I need to do. I am making up beds when they get back. She comes running into the room I am in which has two queen size beds. She loved to jump from one to the other. Her Doctor left town on vacation as soon as he put her cast on her. She had been so ill that Dr. Grossman booked his vacation when we did- he did not want us to be stuck in Granby without him. She climbed up on one bed and jumped- and missed the other bed. Falls to the floor comes up screaming that the other arm hurts. Mike had to leave for work so I drove her out to the Emergency Clinic upset to be doing this when I am trying to get ready for vacation! My lack of concern over two broken arms in two days and never having gone to the clinic with her warranted them calling social services. Really? I say when they walk in. I tell them there isn’t a problem here but let’s do your little interview. They run thru their questions with me and I explain to them that she turns blue from asthma causing flight for life trips to Denver I truly don’t think a broken bone to be alarming. They then talked to my shy bashful daughter who tells them she fell off the swing, then missed her jump… Social services laughs and lets us leave. My only concern now is I have to find a Doctor in Tucson to cast her tomorrow! I get back to the motel and let the crew know how she is. Jo Ellen says take her to Dan. I think and say, you mean your ex-husband? She says yes, he is a pediatric orthopedic Dr. I said ok, do you think you can get me an appointment? She says of course, we call him and he says, sure just come in whenever you get to town. His office is on Grant Rd- which is the main road to Mom’s little Richey Blvd. We stop in and are ushered immediately into a room. He looks at the x-rays that I brought with me. He says these aren’t bad enough for casts. He cuts off the one cast and gives us removable casts so that she can go swimming and play! I am wondering, because I don’t know him but this is his specialty. I walk up to the receptionist to pay and there is a Time magazine sitting on the counter. Time magazine has just named this man the Pediatric Orthopedic Doctor of the Year. I nearly faint- there is no way I will be able to afford this. The receptionist looks at me and says oh there isn’t any charge for family. I said thank you and left! I did not ask ‘are you sure?’
The motel was sold at auction. It had been part of the Savings and Loan financial failure in the late 80’s. The year that I ran it was the only year on record showing a profit and they put it on the auction block. We found a partner and financing to purchase it ourselves. The federal government was offering financing but turned Mike and I down. We have always had good to outstanding credit with a stable address but we had to find private financing. We agreed to not pay more than $450,000 for the motel. We went to the auction and it sold very fast for $900,000. So obviously it went higher than we were willing to pay but I was irate at the entire deal. It sold to some people living here in Colorado holding work visas from Poland. They received their financing from the federal government. I was amazed that they turned us down for ½ that amount and yet approved non-residents for a loan of that size. They were nice people and wanted me to stay on. I tried to make the changes that they wanted to make until one day they came in and took out the cash register and gave me a locking box for mon-ey. I told them I would not help them not claim income and turned in my notice. We were all glad to move back home. We bought a Lhasa Apso while we lived here. His name was Josh and he was totally my dog. He did not like the kids or Mike. One night making a walk around the building letting the dogs go to the bath-room and check to see all the doors were closed there was a man in the parking lot behaving strangely. I had to keep Josh on a leash because he would bite anyone at any time with or without reason, but Duke always was off leash. I spoke to the man who did not respond. I walked a little closer and said Good Evening again- he looked up surprised and began walking straight at me. I pulled Josh in closer and asked him if he was alright. He was walking straight at me causing me concern with his body language and lack of responding to me. I was sizing up my options when here comes big loveable Duke whom had never even barked while living with us. He plants himself in front of me, raises his hackles and begins a deep low growl- the man froze in place. I asked him if he needed help, he spun on his heel and went back to a car. We stood there and watched him get a suitcase and go to a room. I made note of the room and finished our walk. I called the Sherriff’s office that did drive thru’s randomly. I told them if they drove thru to keep an eye around that room. Praise God there were no other issues from that man and they left the next day.

Yes, My Name is Rebecca Chapter Seventeen

Chapter XVII
We had made a trip to Denver and when we got home late and there was a message on the answering machine from my sister in-law. Sharon talked a long time. 45 minutes actually. I used to joke she didn’t need someone on the other end of the phone for a conversation. She was upset and not telling the reason for the call. She and Dave had been separated for about 6 months maybe longer. Dave had moved to California which I believed was a good thing. I was always concerned that he would in a drunken rage kill Sharon, Bret and then himself. I called Sharon back knowing she didn’t mind late phone calls. It was about 8 or 9 PM January 31, 1990. She was crying. Dave had committed suicide. He had shot himself in the chest. She had not been able to get a hold of my sister. No one had told my Mom. Sharon wanted to go tell Mom in person, neither of us thought a mother should get a phone call like this. But my Mother hated Sharon. I asked Sharon who was with her. She said her brother Roger. I asked if I could speak to him. I told Roger, Mom is angry with Sharon and I am concerned that she will say unforgiveable things. I don’t want Sharon hurt any more than she already is. Roger said he would stay with Sharon and not let them hurt each other. We got off the phone and my own grief started grabbing a hold of me. Mike heard me sobbing and came. He said you have to calm down. I told him my brother is dead. He said it doesn’t matter- you have to calm down. You have to worry about this baby and was rubbing my stomach. I tried to get control and began trying to get a hold of my sister. There was no answer at her home, I left an urgent voice message to call me back. The next day I called Cari and told her I had to get a hold of Linda. Most the time when she left town Dave fed her animals. I was hesitant to tell Cari why. Cari was a young girl when Ken died. I called to tell Linda and Cari was home alone. I told Cari not thinking about Ken being her Grandpa. She handled my phone call well but was upset when she called her Mommy. I didn’t want to do that to her again. But she guessed what was so urgent and assured me that he hadn’t been responsible for the animals this time. She then gave me the number of where Bob and Linda were. They were in Colorado. Not far from me, but apparently they didn’t want to visit. I called Sherry’s and spoke with her. I had met her in California, she told me that they were not there but would have them call. I explained why and asked for her to have Bob call me so we could determine if Linda could handle this news. Bob called me that afternoon and I told him that Dave had shot himself in the chest. That a police officer had found him. He felt that Linda could handle the news. I was concerned be-cause part of the reason for their trip was to get away from Dave and his drama. He stayed on the line and I told her Dave was gone. Thru the next couple of weeks we decided to spread Dave’s ashes in Colorado- up in Buffalo Park where my gold mine claims were. Everyone was worried about Mom. Mom came up to stay with us. That way we could keep an eye on each other. I started having early contractions. Regina caught a cold and off to the hospital we went. She recovered quicker this time and while in Den-ver I did not have any contractions. This baby was not due until March 27th. Dr. Grossman demanded that I move to Denver. I begged, pleaded and he stood with Mike stating that I must go. We had it set up for me to deliver at University Hospital. We had no health insurance so the program we found gave me about a 3 week time period to deliver at little or no cost at University hospital. Mom, Regina and I went to Denver. We found an acceptable kitchenette motel room that we could stay in. We thought worst case 6 weeks. We spent one night in the hotel room. The next morning my Uncle John called me, he said get over here to my house. I said Uncle John we will be over to visit but I have to get Mom accustomed to the trip to the hospital and my car. He said you are not staying in a motel you will stay here. I said Uncle John, I appreciate your offer but please it is not just me. I am here with Mom and Regina- you’ve been a bachelor for a long time. He said don’t make me come down there and pick you up. I took a deep breath and said ok we will come over. We packed up and went to Uncle John’s. He was a gracious host. We bought the groceries and tried to take care of the house. Each night when he came in from driving his dump truck he would call Regina out. She would help him park his truck. He was teaching her about the gauges and levers. They would come in and do a few things in his office. Then he would tell her ‘Scram kid’ and she would come running. He took us to the flea market. We lived there for nearly 2 months. Each afternoon I would start having contractions and then at 10 PM they would stop like someone flipped a switch. Twice Mom drove me to University Hospital as we both thought this is it. Nope, it wasn’t. I had to find a doctor- I went to Dr. Cohen. I explained I have no insurance. I must do this as low cost as possible. His fee was $1200 and he would take payments forever as long as I made a payment each month. He told me, pack your own Tylenol, kotex and such. We will get you into the hospital after 12 noon and out before noon the next day then there is only one day charge at the hospital. Mike came down for a couple of visits. March 27th came and went with no ba-by. Uncle John took Mom and me to the Mile High Flea Market so I could walk this baby out! 5 miles of Flea Market on Wednesdays and weekends – still this baby clung tight to her home.
Although anxious to return to our home in Granby I had a delightful time with my Mom and my Uncle John. We grew a bond I had never realized was missing. Although grieving my brothers’ death we were laying hands on my belly, feeling Adriane’s kicks and rolls. Mom and I were cooking meals together, cleaning up the house as a team and truly enjoying the company of each other.
God worked so much good into my life thru this time in Denver waiting for His precious gift of love to join us on the out-side world!!
Keith was flown back to us two weeks before April 9, 1990. I made school phone calls and got him enrolled and such. Mike and Keith came down to visit on April 9th. I had an appointment with Dr. Cohen and Mike came with me. Dr. Cohen said do you want to have a baby today? I said Yes! He said meet me at St. Jo-seph’s at 3PM. We drove back to Uncle John’s and got our bag. We told everyone that we were going to have a baby! Mom was a trooper thru all of it. Mike and I went to the hospital. Dr. Cohen induced my labor at 3:30 PM and Adriane Rose Smith-Maloney was born weighing 6 lbs. at 5:34 PM. It was a fairly easy birth although we had a few moments of excitement. Dr. Cohen determined I would need an episiotomy and gave me a numbing shot. I was not numb and he gave me several more shots. Finally he had to per-form the episiotomy, Dr. Cohen apologized and said we have to do it. He began cutting, I began screaming as a nurse came in and asked him why he had not given me anything! Dr. Cohen thru clenched teeth indignantly replied I gave her 6 shots- how many do you want to give her? She apologized and began helping him. I had chosen not to find out whether I was pregnant with a boy or girl until birth. Once the baby was out, Mike said we have another girl! I recall saying ‘Thank God!’ Apparently I wanted another little girl more than I realized. The nursing staff began to wheel her bassinette out of the room to the nursery. Mike said, I am staying with her, I don’t want to leave you but I don’t want to lose sight of our daughter. I agreed and off they went while Dr. Cohen stitched me up. When he was done, he helped me sit up and we found where I was numb. I had a circle area in the middle of my back numb for most of the night! They moved me to a joint room and we settled in for the night. Mike and Adriane came to our room. Adriane had a hospital band on and easier to identify now. Mike and I had not ever discussed a concern over babies getting switched and such, but it did my heart a lot of good that he looked after our precious baby while I was unable to. The staff kept trying to take Adriane to the nursery and away from me. I got angry and told them, she is my baby- leave us alone! She was healthy and didn’t need nursing care, she needed Mommy care! We were released the next morning about 7 AM and Mom picked us up. We went to Uncle John’s and we loaded up all our stuff, I drove home and Mom caught a plane back to Tucson the next day. One of the ‘gifts’ for us at Uncle John’s was a picture that Keith had drawn. It was pink roses for his baby sister.
One day after we got home a Kirby salesman knocked on the door. They were offering a free cleaning of one room to show their vacuum. I had my Grandma Likes’ Kirby vacuum but it was broken. My vacuum was a worn out Hover. They convinced us and we bought a brand new Kirby- they also took my Grandma’s and serviced it for free- so then I had two good vacuums. I told Dr. Grossman about getting the new vacuum so he kindly wrote me a prescription for it, and I was able to write it off of our taxes!
(1990) I saw an ad for a children’s Starbound beauty pageant. I enrolled Regina. It was a weekend in Denver. They explained the rules of which were to bring the children in comfortable clothes on Saturday for activities. We arrived in a sweat suit and found all of the children dressed with fancy dresses and tuxedos. I was dismayed that they were dressed so nicely but we stayed and did what was scheduled for Saturday. Sunday was dress up day and the kids were supposed to speak. As we were watching all these poor kids were crying and terrified. None of them wanted to be on the stage or said much other than their names. Regina asked me what she was supposed to do. I told her the judges just want to hear a little about you. Tell them how old you are and what you like to play with. She said ‘Ok!’ They called her name and up on stage she ascended. She introduced herself and took off talking. She told us about her toys, her favorite color and so forth. After a few minutes one of the judges thanked her and said that is enough. She looked at me and I nodded my affirmation to come off the stage. She started to step away then quickly turned back and said- Goodbye- and I love my Mom! The whole room chuck-led at the sweet honesty. She won 1st place beauty and 3rd place in photo. I enjoyed this opportunity but was saddened to see how the parents treated their children. They were exploiting these little ones and demanding perfection. I knew that would be the only time we did something like that- I did not want to act like most of the parents acted that were there.
One of the neighbor boys whose first name was Michael had hit Regina. I was not happy about it. His parents said he has ADD and isn’t able to process correct behavior. Regina came in rather pleased with herself a week or so after and proceeded to tell me that Keith had held Michael down and let her kick him. Michael and Keith were about the same age which is what bothered me about this older boy hitting Regina. I told Regina what they had done was wrong and she would have to stay in and not play. I called Keith in and talked to him about it. I explained that I was happy he looked after Regina like that, but that it wasn’t right for them to hurt Michael. He said but Becky she barely even kicked him- he was more scared because I was holding him but her little taps didn’t hurt him. I thanked him for defending her and asked him to be very careful to not let it get out of hand. And amazingly even though he had ADD he understood getting hit- and never attacked the Maloney kids again!
I enrolled Regina into gymnastics. Kathy was the instructors name and she was loads of fun. She really wanted me to leave the class but I did not enroll her to dump her off. We had worked on animal sounds her whole life. One of the first things Kathy has the kids do is leaps, somersaults and such with naming off animal sounds. Regina said them all the way Kathy taught them, except one. The song went something like this, ‘Hippity Hop, a frog says ______’. Regina filled in the blank with what I had taught her- CROAK. Kathy starts laughing and says What? All these little kids say ‘RIB-BIT’ except for Regina who is loud anyway and says even louder ‘CROAK’. I thought Kathy was going to fall down she was laughing so hard. Regina was still too young to be offended by someone laughing, so I was the only one feeling awkward but had to laugh because of her sweet innocence. It was a great learning session that ended with the kids tumbling in the 4th of July parade!

Yes, My Name is Rebecca Chapter Sixteen

Chapter XVI
We had talked about having another child. My sister had told me years before that she wished she had had two children. Then they always have a friend- I thought that sounded good. My sister was 14 yrs older than me so I didn’t have that friendship- I was raised nearly an only child and always wanted a sibling. Mike agreed and we began trying. It did not take long, I was pregnant. I was telling Regina we would be having a baby and trying to prepare my soon to be 2 year old for a sibling. Eric was released from detention be-cause he was 18 and came to stay with us. Chris called us exasperated and demanding to send Keith to us sometime in late February or early March. I was getting really big and went in on March 31 for my 5 month checkup. Dr. Grossman said if I continued to grow like this we would test for twins next month. I said if there are twins in here you get one of them! I did not sign up for twins- Mike and I planned on one more baby! I went home and was cooking dinner. We were going to have Fried Chicken, mashed potatoes and corn. I was not feeling very well. Eric asked me what was up. I said I don’t’ feel good. He said I can finish cooking dinner, why don’t you go lay down. I quizzed him a little to make sure and left him to cook dinner. I laid down and Mike closed our bedroom door. When the door was closed I could not hear anything outside, they also could not hear me. I woke up at about 7:15 in hard labor. I screamed but no one could hear me. I managed to reach one of my shoes and threw it at the door- Mike came racing in and we called Dr. Grossman at home. He said you can’t be in labor- but Mike convinced him I was and he met us at the emergency clinic. My water had broke and the baby was half way out. They started a drip that stopped the contractions. Dr. Grossman loaded me into the ambulance and told the driver to wait. He got in with me and said you have to tell me where to go. If we go to Denver the baby might live, if we go to Kremmling the baby probably won’t live. I looked at him- I said at 5 months if the baby lives what will be wrong with him? Terry said I don’t know but probably Cerebral Palsy and or more. I said let us go to Kremmling. He called Terry the driver- and we headed for Kremmling. When we got there they stopped the drip and he was born. He did not have enough lung development to breath so he died. They put me into a room for the night, Mike left to deliver newspapers and I spent the night at the hospital. They told me if I wanted to hold my baby they would bring him to me. They asked me what I wanted to name him. I called Mike to talk it over with him, but he was sleeping. Eric said he had come in from the route and been asleep. I decided to name him Nicholas David Smith-Maloney. I finally asked to hold him. He was so tiny. He had a huge blood blister on his left leg- they said from being pinched in the birth canal.
Finally around 5 PM Mike showed up and drove me home. I then had to deal with the funeral home and decide whether to cremate or bury my baby. It was horrific. My Mom came and so did my sister. I finally decided cremate him then bury his ashes in the Kremmling Cemetery. I became extremely depressed. I begged Mike to send Regina to my sister. She kept asking me for the baby I promised her. I couldn’t make her understand there wasn’t a baby and it hurt to keep trying to. I did not want to live. I felt Nicholas was taken from me because of having an abortion. I have about 3 months that I can’t remember anything. I do recall Mike calling home on a Sunday morning and told me that he was on his way home and we were going to breakfast. I said I am not going anywhere and hung up. I rolled back over in bed and was asleep when he came in loud and pushy telling me to get up we are going to breakfast. I said NO- he started throwing some of my clothes at me and yelling at me to get up and get dressed. I couldn’t believe how thoughtless he was being making me do this. He got Regina dressed and ready to go. We got to the café that I had worked at but not since I lost Nicholas. Alice stomped up to our table and said are you ready to come back to work? I said No and Mike said Yes. She said perfect- be here tomorrow at 2 you have the place to yourself. And off she stomped. Annie was the other waitress and she took our order brought our breakfast and when we left she also said see you tomorrow!
I was mad- I yelled at Mike- how you expect me to work when I can’t even get out of bed. He sulked most of the day. I got up the next day, took care of things around the house and went to work. I am working as a waitress at the Windy Gap Restaurant owned by Susie. Regina is in a daycare across the street in the Presbyterian Church. I get home one night and Mike says Regina is bruised and she wasn’t able to tell me what happened. We talk about it. It is in her crotch. I don’t know if he is overreacting or not but we both agree not to wake her up. In the morning I see the bruise. It is an elongated bruise at the top of her inner thigh. I try to handle things without panic. My brain is running thru the possible ways a bruise like this could happen. Finally 9 AM rolls around and the daycare is open. I walk over there and say to the woman running it that Regina came home with a serious bruise and I need to know what happened to her. She gets defensive and swears she never got hurt. I said yes she did and I am here to find out how, if you can’t tell me I will have to involve the authorities. She says well she fell threw one of the chairs but she didn’t even cry. Are you sure she is hurt? Do not ask me if I am sure. I do not create drama and it infuriates me to be questioned. By the time I walked back into our home I was vomiting feeling certain she had been violated. Mike and I decided to call Dr. Grossman. I spoke with him on the phone about how to find out if she had been violated. He recommended a physical exam and if the exam showed violation filing a police report. Mike agreed to take her in for the exam as I was not mentally capable of being there. I went to work. I can usually work thru any turmoil in my life. The afternoon was slow as usual with only one table of customers in the café. I was cleaning in the waitress station when I heard the front door open. Mike was go-ing to come tell me as soon as the exam was over. I stepped out of the station and saw him. He shook his head no, he said she is ok- no one has touched her. I stepped backwards into the station to the wall- slid down the wall crying hysterically in relief. Mike sat her at a table and Susie came out of the kitchen to see me sobbing. She asked me and I couldn’t even speak- Mike told her and she said you go home with your family right now. Hold that baby. I will. I held her all afternoon. Susie got us into Mary Jane’s day-care. She had a son that was Keith’s age and the most desired babysitter in the area. She agreed to take Regina. She helped Regina get over wanting to bring home every baby she saw. Mary Jane was a good person.
Life has returned to ‘normal’. I figured that Mike had not left me like I expected. I had decided not to have another baby. I knew there was no way I could survive burying another child. We made plans to get married. I figured anyone who had put up with me thru all this and still wanted to get married I would agree. We set the date for November 12 1988. Although neither of us drank, as we were planning our reception we decided we would provide alcohol. Mike had told me he was an alcoholic, but we had been together for three years and I did not believe it. But he began drinking the morning of our wedding and it was many years before we got him sober again. Sadly he was drunk when we said our vows. At some point during the reception he actually asked me to take my Mom and leave because they want-ed to smoke marijuana. We didn’t leave and the people began going home. I got the house picked up and Mike was passed out. I went out and delivered our Sunday newspapers alone.
We planned a shopping trip for Christmas in December. I got a call to cover a shift which meant we would have to go shopping the following day. Mike said he was going- that the plan was for us to go and he wasn’t cancelling. I was upset about it. He snapped so call in sick- it’s just one shift and not even yours. I snapped- I be-gan screaming you drove me down there and made me go to work- you set it up before we ever walked in there. What do you mean- call in sick?? I don’t call in sick- I work, and I work hard ….. I am turning around to face this fight and Mike is crying. I stop my rant and take a deep breath. I said ok, I know I am dense and miss a lot of things but why are you crying? He said you can hate me forever, but I lost you completely. Yes I got you that stupid job but it wasn’t to work it was to bring you back and it snapped you back to me. So go ahead and be mad I am not sorry I did it. I started crying and called in. I told them I can’t cover that shift I had plans with my family! We went Christmas shopping together.
February is rolling around and yes, Regina is back in the hospital for her 3rd birthday. They tell me it must be dust. I am to get rid of every cloth toy- not wash them- get rid of them. So every stuffed animal gets thrown out, every soft doll. I buy plastic covers for her bed. I buy new pillows for her room. We create a ‘dust free’ room for her.
We made plans to go to Denver to celebrate both my and Keith’s birthdays. His is on the 2nd and mine the 7th of June. We were go-ing to go to Malibu which was a place that Keith could drive golf carts, had an arcade and more. I got home from work and they were not home. They came in later and confessed they had gone to Denver without me. I was angry, hurt and felt left out. Our trip was planned for two days later. We went down two days later and Keith had a blast. They printed him his own driver’s license. We were standing there watching him drive around the track. I realized Mike was not beside us. I watched Keith for a little while longer and decided to go find Mike. I walked inside and saw him playing an arcade game. I was standing quietly watching him and the game totally changed. It changed 4 more times and finally said game over. I said I don’t mean to sound dumb but can you tell me what happened with that game? He said what do you mean? I said I was watching you and it changed- the scenery and your player- and it changed like 5 times….. He said really? Haven’t you ever played arcade games? I said no not really. I would lose a quarter or two and decide to not throw away my money like that. He put in a quarter and started playing the game and began to ex-plain it to me. On one quarter he went to the 6th level of the game. I said hmmm I bet you’ve wasted a lot of quarters to be that good! He didn’t think they were a waste! We left and had some dinner and all came home. At home Keith and Mike gave me my birthday present. They had gone to Denver and bought me an opal ring. My favorite stone has always been an opal. It was a beautiful ring. I apologized for being mad that they went to Denver without me. It was the only way they could get this gift and surprise me.
And then surprise #2 for us happened! I was pregnant. I was ex-cited and scared. Mike was very concerned. Once again went thru another easy pregnancy. No sickness, I felt good and the Dr. and Mike watched every little thing. Christy, my cousin in Wyoming called me to tell me she had a crib that I could have. We set up to meet in Rawlins. Her boys had a wrestling match at the school in Rawlins. I drove up, watch the wrestling match and came home with a crib for our soon to be bundle of joy!