8 years is too long

I had a heart wrenching conversation last week.  I try to be a shoulder for those who need to talk.  I’ve always been at a loss for words and learned years ago most people are wanting to talk things out- not have me offer wisdom, which is great because I am always at a loss of what I should say.

I felt the hurt that he felt in what he told me.  I felt the loss that he felt in his words.  There is no way to heal that hurt or fill that loss.  I know this person always believes the best in every one.  Sometimes he believes blindly which usually is a blessing to those he believes in.

This time it was not a blessing to a little girl.  This time he left one person drowning while he was trying to save another.  I am glad that my words failed me again.  I have spent many nights without rest trying to understand his choice.  I am grateful that he made what I consider the right choice at the end of his eight years, but I am sick to my stomach that it took him eight years to throw a life line to a little girl.

I don’t understand how anyone makes the choice to stand by an adult and leave a little girl drowning with no one to lift her out of her hurt, her loss.  Eight years is too long to leave a child without hope.

I know he has spent many sleepless nights and countless hours in prayer looking for wisdom and guidance on all of his decisions.  He is human and will make mistakes.  His judgment is not always accurate.  I am working hard at finding the path to forgiveness of his mistake.

But I was that little girl that no one helped.  I was the little girl victimized by grown men from the time I was 6 years old.  I was never thrown a life line.  I grew up as a victim and lived as a victim for many years.  I battle Mental Health issues daily from what was done to me.  I pray no one ever goes through what I went through- yet here is another little girl left alone with trusted adults who knew and didn’t help!

Left to drown for 8 years before someone finally did something.  Too little too late.  I pray for her daily.  I pray that God holds her close everyday and never allows anyone to harm her ever again.

World please wake up!  There are evil people doing evil things.  When you know someone is being harmed you MUST stand up for the victim!  Quit standing up for the bully!  Why do you think by helping the bully you help the victim?  You DON’T.  When you help the bully you tell the bully he/she is okay and keep doing what it is that is destroying their victim!  If you help the victim, you tell the victim they are worthy, you tell the bully NO!  I don’t understand why this is so hard for you to understand.

I am going to end this blog with a prayer for all of us.

Dear Heavenly Father,

We need you.  We plead that you help each of us recognize and call out bullies.  Teach us to help victims and strengthen our faith to serve you well.  Teach us to stop helping the bullies and to start helping the victims, daily.

I love you, God.  Please help me be the change I want to see in our world.  Thank you for blessing me with live, love and laughter.

In the name of your precious Son, Jesus Christ




Mom’s make mistakes- It is OKAY!!

I’ve pondered many things posted in my last blog and keep coming back to why didn’t I help my oldest daughter when she was floundering?  Why didn’t I help my youngest daughter overcome the discomfort of being in our home?  There were many reasons that lead up to my failure to help my children.  I am sharing my personal insights in hopes that it will help someone struggling and make their life a little more simple.

When God blessed me with these beautiful baby girls I was certain God picked the wrong person.  They were so perfect.  I was so inadequate.  How could I ever be good enough to be their Mother.  I believed that I was evil and undeserving of anything good.  While I wasn’t diagnosed with mental illness until many years later I believe my mental illness began when I was forced to have an abortion when I was only 16 years old.

It is interesting as I write this blog- I have believed as long as I can remember that each and every child born is a gift from God.  I believe that God blesses the unions of people with a child.  But in my own life I thought God made a mistake.  He didn’t bless me- he cursed these babies by placing them with me.  That is one of the things I learned thru my mental health counseling.  I do not know if others who suffer from mental illness turn things around like that, but I do.  When my mind begins to degrade me, I’ve finally learned to grab that thought and rebuke it.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)

 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

From 1985 through 1999 I felt as thought I was a fake.  I didn’t know how to be a Mom.  Most of everything I did was best guessing at what I thought a good parent would do.  I did not have an example in my life to mimic and improve on.  I did the opposite of what I had done to me as I grew up and without having my identity in Christ I didn’t know if I was doing anything right.  So I felt I was a fraud.

We were arrested on Nov 19, 1999.  I have blogged and written lots about this so I urge you to look through my blog for the details on the arrest if you are interested in that.  What I figured out while pondering my last blog was that with FELON written in neon lights over my head I no longer could pretend anymore.  Now everyone knew how bad and evil I was.

So I gave up my job of being the mother of two beautiful perfect daughters.  They deserved better than me.  They are better than I am.  I have no right to tell them what to do.  I was arrested in front of them.  I had to plan on them living with someone other than me.  I was by own judge, jury and executioner.

It is the biggest mistake I made.  I let them down.  No one ever told me, Mothers make mistakes.  Bad things happen in life.  God doesn’t give up on us.  He chose us.  We are valuable to God- every single one of us is valuable.

Luke 12:7 KVJ  But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.

It was through this devastating event that I began to find my identity in Christ.  I wish I had found my identity before I became a mother.  I would have done a much better job.  More importantly I would have not given up.  To my daughters, I apologize for quitting when you needed me the most.  I am so proud of each of you.  You’ve grown up to be amazing young mothers, ladies, sisters, friends, daughters, Christians, business owners and more.  I pray for your strength and wisdom every day.

Satan is working hard every minute of every day to destroy people, families and life as we know it.  He knows our weaknesses and he uses every trick possible to break each and every one of us.  He succeeded in my life for a little while.

I am grateful for the angels in our lives.  There were so many seen and unseen that helped in numerous ways.  Some brought food.  Some brought encouragement.  Others brought bibles and insisted on studies.  Others brought our family into a church and held our hands through countless emergencies.  There were many people who dropped us like hot potatoes but God brought better people into our lives and helped us.  God I apologize to you and ask for your forgiveness that I didn’t recognize it sooner.  Thank you God for loving this weird little family so much you didn’t give up even when I did.

So to you Mothers and Fathers out there, brothers, sisters, friends, okay- to EVERYONE!!  Life gets rough sometimes- but don’t give up.  Keep reaching for the stars until you find God and then keep reaching so that you will have your own relationship with the Creator of this amazing world!  Even when you get knocked down- don’t give up.  If you can’t fight back, let someone fight for you.  Angels, keep up the good work.

Matthew 25:23  New International Version
“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’


I am copying from a FB post made:

Demons got mad as Hell when I started binding Religious and other Satanic Strongmen over the area at The Rifle, Co Fair Grounds where I held a Christian Concert Outreach today in the middle of their Rodeo Fair.
A man was yelling to shoot me and kill me. Cops removed him.
Fair Venders vociferously told the Promoter to shut me down during my concert and later said that they wouldn’t pay their vendor fees because they are atheists and Witches and Obama supporters and my anti Obama comments and anti Trans Gender Bathroom comments were hate speech.
The 2 hour event was advertised as a “Faith Event”.
What were they expecting, average lukewarm church babble ?
I know I’m on track when the demons start screeching.
America is in a spiritual war; good vs evil.
God will prevail.

This speaker was VERY Melodramatic.  I am the promoter that demanded he be removed.  I met with him for a breakfast meeting as was told he would be singing and usually gave his testimony of how he went from a drunken sinner to a christian.

I did not hear his words- but the outcry of his removal did reach me.  I stormed the arena and he said a closing prayer and left.  Then for hours I heard of the hate that he spewed and saw how many left because of him.  One person has said that he feels he wasn’t politically correct, but that he was right in calling people out in their sin.

This breaks my heart.  God has NEVER once called me out in my sin.  He has loved me, exactly where I am at.  He has NEVER given up on me or felt He had to insult me to get me to listen.  I am hard headed and spend more time arguing that we should do it MY way- but God still loves me and NEVER spews hate at me.

We are in a spiritual battle- and it has always been good vs evil.  But if I were going to break it down simple and not spend thousands of words to explain where we are in my eyes it would be this:  When Jesus was alive the ONLY good was in Israel.  The ONLY people going to heaven were the Jews that had not sinned.  Jesus loved the WORLD so much He chose to be born as a human, die, be buried and risen as the Savior of the WORLD.  There is more good than evil today.  Good is world wide- not just in Israel.

I believe we misunderstand what Jesus did for us.  I believe we try to apply our rules to Jesus followers and in doing this we misrepresent God.  God tells us to love the sinner and hate the sin.  When you spew the hate that this speaker did- it is NOT loving the sinner.  I attend more Faith Events than the average citizen and this is the first one that the speaker needed to be removed.

I pray that God forgives you for your melodramatic speaking.  I pray that He convicts you to love your neighbor.  I pray God continues to grow me, guide me and strengthen me.

Breast Cancer Awareness

October has been Breast Cancer Awareness month for many years.  I’ve often promoted it through my own social media.  I try to be wise and share good information with other people about many subjects.  I never thought I needed to be checked for breast cancer.  NO ONE in my family has ever had cancer of any kind.  So I am safe, right?

I had my first ever mammogram in October of 2015.  Kind of a fluke actually.  My husband and I went in to get current vaccinations to go on vacation abroad.  Dr Elwood stated I needed to get a mammogram for a multitude of reasons.  My husband needs hernia surgery and they have been running him thru all kinds of tests including a full cardio workup to make sure he can handle surgery.  We have been very busy with working and getting all of his appointments in.  I didn’t have the time to get in for a mammogram.

Then the Drs office called and told me I had to get it done before her order expired.  So I made the time.  The technicians were great.  They were kind and patient.  Squish boob one…… Squish boob two…… They let me know that sometimes they have to call me back for better pictures but not to worry if I get that phone call.

I got that phone call.  The lady on the other end of the phone said that they need to look at boob two again.  They are not sure about the first pictures.  Well we had a hard time getting that picture anyway- the first time somehow I got my chin into the picture.  So I didn’t worry.  I went in and the technician was amazing.  She got the boob squished (more than enough) and took pictures.  Got the machine repositioned and squished boob two yet again…..  No chin in these pictures!  Ready for going onto work.  The technician asks me to wait while the radiologist makes sure of the images.  Says don’t get dressed yet.  She leaves the room.  I pace.  I sit.  I play games on my phone.  She knocks and comes in and brings in “the doctor”.

He was very nice.  He shook my hand and introduced himself.  (I have NO idea what his name is).  He showed me the mammogram and the spots that are called ‘calcifications’.  They might be nothing.  Breasts sometimes have them because they are milk producing glands he tells me.  But the calcifications are also indicators of cancer.  We need to biopsy your breast.

He then explained they will insert a needle that will scoop out a tissue sample that will be analyzed.  He stated that they will put in a titanium clip or marker.  He said typically the biopsy removes all of the spot and they will use the marker to locate the spot for a lumpectomy or if that is not needed the marker will let them know my breast produces calcifications in this spot and they do not need to worry about it.

So they tell me I can get dressed and Susan will get me the next appointment.  No rush they tell me.  I can go on vacation and as long as I take care of with in two months it will all be fine.  I get dressed and Susan takes me to Lindsay who starts giving me appointment options.  We will do the biopsy the day my husband and I leave on vacation.  I knew it would cause me undue concern to put it off.

I’ve been through a gamuet of emotions.  I let my daughters both know, cause you know they have breasts too.  I realized then in part of the information I have tried to share over the last few years is that men can get breast cancer too.  I’ve had a tinge of fear, but I refuse to live in fear.  Fear is not from God and I try my hardest to walk with God in everything I do.  So I am trusting God to walk with me thru this.

Good Gifts

Matthew 7:11  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

I’ve read this bible verse many times in my life and have felt left out of receiving God’s gifts.  I believed for lots of my adult life that God excluded me from His eternal family and so obviously He excluded me from receiving His gifts.  I then finally realized that God had not excluded me and I had been told a pack of lies.  Yet even once I knew I was a chosen daughter of our Lord and Savior, I still felt left out of receiving His gifts.  I was happy to live and know I have an eternal life!  I always try to live being grateful and unconcerned about not having ‘everything’.

This Christmas season opened my eyes to this bible verse in ways only God can help us see!  I hope my enlightenment will encourage you through out your life!

One of my daughters is a single Mother.  She does an amazing job of balancing parenting, being a business owner, daughter, sister and friend.  I have not seen very many people who do as much for other people as my daughter does.  I realized that her son needed some help to go Christmas shopping for his Momma.  I am not sure why I hadn’t already planned on it but when I realized it we didn’t have much time left.  My grandson is 5 and has a heart bigger than words can describe.  I spoke with my grandson on the phone about going shopping with me to pick out his Mom a gift.  He was very excited and said Yes, Grandma I would love to!  So we set our shopping day for Saturday.

I assumed because he is only 5 and a ‘boy’ I would have to suggest what to buy, show him where it was in the store, and so on.  I surprise myself with my tainted view on the world sometimes.  Because of our crazy work schedules I ended up getting to spend time with my grandson before Saturday.  I asked him what he thought he wanted to buy his Mom and he said with all the confidence of a young gentleman who had been thinking about it ‘A phone case!’.  Hmmm ok I said, that is a good gift.  We were going to go pick it out that day but then he got into trouble and his Mom told him he was not allowed to buy anything, not allowed ask for anything to be bought and so on.  While I understood his Mom was saying no toys, candy or treats because you have been bad- I also pointed out that Mom said NO BUYING so we can not shop for her either. We will shop on Saturday.

Between then and Saturday God tapped me on the shoulder and pointed out that while I have lots of people who make the Holiday special for me, currently my daughter only has one little boy.  I purposed then to help him get his Mom a few gifts.  So they arrived and I shooshed my daughter off!  As my grandson and I are driving to the store I said to him, I’ve been thinking and maybe we should get Mom more presents.  I think we should get her something she wants, something she needs, something to wear and something to read or watch.  (Yes I borrowed this idea from a facebook post!) He looks at me with his eyes so full of love for his Momma and says in this quiet voice, you mean, Grandma I can give Momma more than one present?  I said Yes!  He hugged me tight and said thank you Grandma…. you haven’t seen our tree but it is FULL of presents.  They are all for me.  Mom has made Christmas so special for me, I want to her to have more than just one present.

So we shopped together and bought what he wanted to get for his Mom.  He had GREAT ideas!  He knew where to find them in the store.  We had fun wrapping them.  He wrote out all of his own tags.  He filled my heart so full with his enthusiasm to give that it opened my eyes to what I have helped perpetuate in this world.  This sweet child opened my eyes to see that he felt left out of being able to give.  He had lots of presents to open, but he didn’t have any to give.

We love our children so much we want them to have LOTS to open every Christmas morning- but do we take the time to help them give to us?  I didn’t.  Yes I took my kids to pick an angel gift as often as we could.  Yes I purposefully gave my kids money to put into the red kettles.  Yes we shopped for their dad together.  But did I enable them to give when their hearts were full like my grandsons’ heart for his Momma?  I did not.  It was not intentional but it is one of those things- I gave good gifts but didn’t train my kids up to give good gifts.  And as my grandson taught me this year, I have always been the one who needed to learn- I know my own children wanted to give to me and their father- but I didn’t see that as important- no here, just make me some coupons…. or this or that.  I didn’t encourage it to grow and blossom like I should have.

Don’t read this wrong- I love every single hand made thing my children have ever given me.  But as my grandson said- I want her to have more than one thing to open.  I want to give to her as much or more than she has given to me.  We miss that as the parent – so often!  We get caught up in pouring out onto our children that we don’t hear their hearts trying to pour into us.

So then this brings me back to how is it that I felt left out of God’s gifts?  God knows how to give better than I do!  I realized that like the presents under the Christmas tree, God has gifts for us.  He is not stuffing any one of those gifts into your face saying open it! open it!  He is patiently waiting for me to ask for it.  When I asked for salvation I received salvation.  When I asked for mercy and relief from pain, the pain left.  God is not sitting there pushing a gift in my face when I have done good, neither is He taking that gift away when I have done bad.  He is patiently waiting for me to be ready to receive what He has to offer.  While I see others around me with amazing gifts that I want, I quite frankly am not ready to receive them.  When I am ready to receive I will ask and I know God will give them to me.

So I challenge you as parents- foster your children’s love of giving.  Nourish it, help it grow!  Don’t shoosh them out of the way just because you want to do the giving- give to each other!  If your children are raised like mine are, then help your grandchildren!  Thankfully God doesn’t close the door on His giving – He is waiting there to give you the very thing that your heart desires!  Just ask!!




Depression – More Honest Confessions

I awoke on Wednesday so depressed and oppressed it was hard to function. Just asking my daughter some tough questions through a text message brought forth sobs of despair. When her answers were positive I moved my mind to others that I am concerned about.
I felt like a lion was just about to pounce on me and devour me. I had this foreboding intuition that the worst possible news was about to be dropped on me. These are two feelings I’ve had many times throughout this year. I keep several of my handouts from my counseling through what is now known as Colorado Mind Springs Health. I read through them and apply their wisdom. They help in a variety of ways.
I spoke with my other daughter later in the day and told her I was battling hard with depression. As we were talking both of my daughters suggested the same reason for my depression to be resurfacing. But what I heard in her voice made me realize she was concerned about me committing suicide. So I spoke up, I told her I am depressed. It is all I can do to not sob hysterically, but I am not suicidal. While she was relieved for this information I realized that as I try to help promote how to help people like me who fight mental illness this needs to be addressed.
We all like to have checklists and mental health does not allow for a checklist to work as well as I would like it to. But I am going to attempt to address in here what transpired through this breakdown of stability in my life in hopes of it helping others.
I woke up from a dream that clearly recalled was one of my children is desperate trouble, using drugs, sleeping around, etc and one of my other children encouraging her to hide it from me and not let me be involved. Mind you my children are all grown and living their own successful lives. And I told myself this while the foreboding feelings were overtaking me. There is a possibility this dream was about other young people in my life I care about but who ever the dream was about I could not find any logical reason to worry. I asked the hard questions of my daughter who lives out-of-state. She assured me she is not doing those things.
The impending doom feeling kept getting stronger. I had to get to work and felt I didn’t have time to go through my worksheets. My husband gave me a hug. You know those hugs. The ones that say I love you, I know it is a really bad day and I am here hugs. The hug brought on the sobbing. I gathered together my frayed edges and left for work.
A dear friend told me that she felt the lion ready to pounce was depression. When I thought about the bible verse, beware Satan is lurking like a lion waiting to devour you, I agreed with her. So I began praying that Satan leave, praying for God’s protection of my mind and my family. I know when I fall into depression it is as hard on the family as it is me.
Then sometime after talking to my 2nd daughter I gave myself permission to be sad. I decided instead of trying to hide it or be ashamed of it I will embrace it. It is a real emotion. I did not feel I had a ‘reason’ to be sad. I’ve kept this quiet and secretive because I feel like I am crazy. I’ve been told I am crazy. So I don’t talk about it. Today that is changing- I am talking about it. My counselor assured me that I am NOT crazy. So maybe if you can read this and make some sense of it you can help someone else with what I have experienced.
Today is Saturday and I no longer feel overwhelming sad. The lion is not waiting to pounce. I gave myself permission to be sad and to cry. In the past I have stuffed all emotions that I could not explain. They were still there and at times would all burst out at the same time which made me feel completely out of control of my life. I would have these foreboding intuitions that I would ask people I love if they are okay until they are SICK and TIRED of hearing my voice. I see it in their eyes, I hear it in their texts- I am fine, Mom- you are the only crazy one. So I do my best to stuff that impending doom feeling until I finally just crumble to being suicidal.
I can’t trust my emotions, I can’t trust my intuitions, NO ONE understands, Everyone thinks I am crazy- I must be crazy. They would be better off without me bothering them all the time. They will do better without me. And the thoughts go on and on until planning suicide gives me an outlet for all these stuffed emotions and intuitions. Because I plan it my head, there is NO arguing. There is NO one telling me it’s wrong. There is NO one telling me its crazy. It is whole conversations that I have not recognized as only my participation in. By the time I have been ready to put my plan into action my mind has usually turned it into a fight between you and I. I will finally have MY way. I am done doing it your way and letting you win. YOU just think I am crazy. I will show you I am not crazy! I planned this and did it without your assistance in any way!
Does that sound crazy? Yes, even to me it does! But these are some of the real thoughts/beliefs I’ve overcome in the past.
So here is a checklist that might help you?!?
Your loved one says they feel depressed/sad.
DO NOT ASK WHY! Ask- How can I help?
You are probably going to get an answer like, there’s nothing you can do. I will handle it.
ASK!! Are you thinking about suicide? Push for an answer. Don’t be nullified with abstract non answers to this question. If your loved one is evasive, please err on the side of caution and assume the answer is yes.
Most people I have dealt with that say NO I am not suicidal are ‘safe’ and we can all help them deal with the depression/sadness.
Encourage talking about it with anyone and everyone! At the end of my last delivery run on Wednesday, the sweet kind lady that checks in our boxes at the airport asked how I was. I was honest. I did not say, fine. I said I’ve been battling with depression all day and managed somehow not to start crying right there. She struggled with depression and said when it starts in for her she starts taking more B vitamins! This has been helpful for me in the past and I stopped and bought me some new B1 vitamins. But what is more important here is that her and I talked about it. She didn’t ignore it, or tell me not to feel that way. She said I understand, I struggle with it to and here is what I do. The acceptance helped me.
This week what I discovered is just let myself be sad! I didn’t have a reason for it and that is okay. I am no longer feeling that overwhelming sadness. The foreboding doom feeling has left too. Will it return? More than likely the answer is yes. Yes I will have to annoy my loved ones with those questions- are you okay? Is your life falling apart? I will hopefully always be wrong with feelings of doom and gloom.
Feel free to comment or ask questions! I am not an expert, but I have lots of experience and will answer anything I am able to!

Huck Miller was born 3 years ago on 10/11/12 with full trisomy 18. He was with us for a short 5 months. A scholarship fund was established to honor Huck. This is awarded annually by the Rifle, Colorado Police Department for continuing education to special needs students who, like Huck, have shown courage in the face of adversity. Donations can be made to the “Huck Miller Scholarship Fund” in care of Alpine Banks located in Rifle, New Castle, Glenwood Springs, Carbondale and Grand Junction, Colorado or by dropping off your financial gift at the Rifle Police Department.