Yes, My Name is Rebecca Epilogue


Walking into this healed life that God has for me I have claimed my name, Rebecca!  So yes, when you ask me what my name is, I respond, Rebecca.  When you ask me if I prefer Becky or Rebecca- I prefer Rebecca!!  It isn’t rocket science, God gave me the name Rebecca and I am pleased to be known by my God given name!  I believe my parents walked in the defeat of Satan most of their lives and passed that to their children in many ways. For me personally I feel that they nicknamed me, not able to have any part of the glory of God near them.   I have friends who met me as Becky and will always call me Becky.  My own husband will probably always call me Becky.  Yes, my name is Rebecca and God has filled me with grace to understand their hearts.  Writing this book has helped me recognize what a trail blazer I have been throughout my life!  God sent me two ‘Blazes’ to help me see, but it took writing a book to figure that out!  Now to figure out Nov 19th!  I will stay close to God the rest of my life and on Nov 19th I pray to stay in the Throne Room with Him for guidance, wisdom and protection!

I would like to thank my daughters for their continued love and support.  I also would like to thank my husband for honoring our marriage vows and walking thru the good, and the bad with me.  I would also like to thank Pastor Daryl Reeves for being such a wise, loving servant of God that lead our family to living a life with God first and foremost in our lives.

A Prayer for You

May you find healing in the words of this book.  May you find our Savior and His love for you in your life.  May you recognize God, the creator of all as your personal friend helping you in every way.

May God Bless you, wherever you are, whatever you are doing with abundant peace, healing and love forever and ever.


Yes, My Name is Rebecca Chapter Twenty

Chapter XX

We were moved to our new address on November 1st.  LeRoy was released from jail on November 10th.  I was working at the Hotel Colorado training for night audit.  I usually went to work about 10 PM and Mike got home about 2 AM.  Keith was 14, Regina 6 and Adriane 2.  Keith and Regina knew our phone numbers at work and were professional on the phone.  Towards the end of November there was a car watching our house all evening.  I called Mike and told him- he said don’t leave the kids, I said I won’t.  I could not secure us and knew that if it was LeRoy we were sitting ducks.  I called the Rifle Police Department and they sent out two officers.  They were very pleasant. They listened to my concerns and much to my surprise the car did not leave when they arrived.  They went out and spoke with the driver.  He was a process server trying to serve papers on ‘Mike’.  They returned and told me.  They said it had to be Mike- I could not accept the papers.  They were guessing it was from his ex-wife.  They agreed to keep an eye on the house.  I went to work late and Mike came home early.  A few days later a knock on the door woke me up.  I answered the door and there was a man demanding to speak to Mike.  I said hold on, closed the door and went and woke up Mike.  We came back to the door and this man slapped a paper in Mike’s hand and was trying to leave quickly.  I was reading as fast as possible.  He was serving papers on Mike Barnes who actually was the ex-husband of the owner of the house we were renting.  I ran to his car and said we are not the Barnes- you have not served the right person.  He was very rude and I showed him Mike’s drivers’ license to prove it to him.  That night he showed up at Pepsi and tried to serve Mike again.  Apparently he was stuck on the name Mike and not worried about

accuracy.  I found out the Mike Barnes was in jail and notified the sheriff’s department about the harassment.

By December 1st Regina’s health was doing much better.  She no longer needed a nebulizer treatment every two hours.  She was gaining weight.  By the end of January she doubled her weight and was much healthier.  Adriane was enrolled into a local daycare that she loved going to.  She would go there for a few hours each morning while I slept.  Then we would spend the afternoons together until Regina and Keith came home from school.

My job was not working out very well.  The Hotel Colorado is famous for being haunted.  It is a very old building and many ghost stories keep a person peering over their shoulder.  I was doing the best that I could.  I was working one night and went into the kitchen to get some tickets.  Pans and knifes rattled everywhere as I went into the kitchen.  I began talking and assuring them that I did not want to harm them and just wanted to earn a paycheck.  A little bit later I had to go into the bar and get the register tape and felt as though I was encircled with people.  I could not see anything but I was thoroughly spooked.  When I sat down at my desk a cold chill passed thru me and the hair on the back of my neck stood up.  I stood up and said, ok I get it.  You are picking on the new girl.   I am going to finish this shift and I will not be back- so I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone and let me do a good job!  No more problems the rest of the night- when my relief showed up I told them I would not be back.  I went over to the Ramada Inn and applied for their night audit position and was hired immediately.  That job was going alright although several people kept telling me of a night auditor who had been kidnapped from the Hotel Denver and they finally found her in Utah.  Each night the Greyhound Bus pulled in and dropped off some passengers.  One night a bus passenger came inside and went downstairs.  I yelled at him he could not go down there.  He did not come back upstairs so I called the police.  They came in and found him passed out in the bathroom.  They brought him up the stairs I said yes that is him.  They handcuffed him to the stair banister.  They found lots of things like the standing ashtrays thrown into the pool and walls scratched and chairs broken.  I signed a complaint against him and they took him to jail.  But his image was burned into my brain handcuffed to the banister.  It truly upset me.  I told Mike I don’t think I can go back to work.  My Mom had been diagnosed with her leg arteries closing down and needed surgery to open them back up.  She wanted me to visit before the surgery.  She wasn’t concerned about recovery.  I called my supervisor and told him my Mom was put in the hospital and I would call from Tucson when I knew more.  I packed up the girls and I and we went to Tucson to see Mom.  I called a couple of times and finally told a lie.  I said they had to remove my Mom’s foot I am staying in Tucson and not returning.  Shortly after that Dennis Morse from the Denver Post called and offered me a newspaper route in El Jebel.  I said yes, I am in Tucson but I can be home tomorrow.  He said no, you stay for the week and plan on starting on Monday.  I said OK!  So we had an extended visit with Mom who had surgery which was a great success about a month later.

I came back and started delivering the Denver Post in the El Jebel area.  I told them it was too far from home I wanted a route closer to home ASAP.  I met Bill and Jeanette Cline, who became lifelong friends of ours.  They delivered newspapers in Glenwood Springs.  I met Bev Bryan.  She was the distributor for the Rocky Mountain News.  Jeanette heard of our health problems with Regina and told me to put her on Echinacea.  I pretty much let it go in one ear and out the other.  She

asked me a couple of times and my answer was always not yet.  Jeanette showed up at my house with a bottle of Echinacea drops and sat them on my counter firmly telling me to start her on them.  I thought you are crazy!  I read the bottle- having a sick child I had learned that lots of people had cure all’s!  Just buy this or that…. You cannot cure asthma.  But the drops did not indicate anything harmful.  They were drops that you add to a beverage of choice.  So I put some drops in her juice and gave it to her.  Adriane wanted some (of course!) so I gave her some too.  I promised to keep it up and we did put the drops in every day.  Although Adriane was our healthy child she was born with a runny nose that never quit.  I kept a box of Kleenex close because of her nose.  A week after these drops her runny nose stopped.  I called Children’s hospital and requested another blood screen on Regina.  We went to Denver and they pulled the blood.  They called me a couple of days later- she had a full blown immune system.  They asked me what I did.  I was upset with them.  I said I did everything you told me to do and more.  Did you ever think to talk to me about nutrition?  I hung up.  I told Mike when he got home.  Previously she had never built any immunity to anything.  The hospital tried to vaccinate an immune system into her that failed.  I could not let her near anyone sick.  And a ‘crazy’ lady demanded I give her an herb- and that fixed YEARS of medical abuse.  I was still making payments on the last $10,000 that we owed Children’s Hospital.  I wrote them a letter telling them that telling us a move would never help her was WRONG- she can breathe easier here without nebulizer treatments which means she can eat so she has gained weight.  I included the records from Dr. Flood who had seen her in Glenwood Springs for a checkup.  And last but not least I give her an herb which jumpstarts her immune system something you have failed at for two years!  I received an apology letter and they wrote off the last $10,000!  Praise God!

With hindsight and wisdom from God, I now know that without breastfeeding Regina like I did Adriane, she was never given a natural immune system.  We are not wise enough to create what God has done for us thru breastfeeding.  Thankfully God created other ways for us to boost our health, both physically and spiritually.

We purchased a trailer that was parked in Kings Crown Park in Rifle, CO.  It was a nice 3 bedroom trailer in a nice park.  A route which seemed as though it would be closer to home opened up.  They called it the Carbondale route but I had to deliver all the way to Redstone.  I was very unhappy with this route as I was over 100 miles from home at the end of it.  I kept it and filled in with doing home delivery for the Rocky Mountain News and occasionally I gave the Glenwood Post carrier a night off.  Mike was still working at Pepsi.  Keith was not doing well in school.  He was ditching and appeared that he would be dropping out.  He got arrested for shoplifting a box of crackers from City Market one day.  After much talking we sent him to live with Chris so that they would not do anything but levy fines for the charge.  We paid $675.00 for that box of crackers.  I’ve often wondered if we should have made him face that charge, where life would have taken him.  He came back for the summer and just before he was supposed to go back to California I took him school clothes shopping.  I rarely did this for the kids in brand new stores.  It wasn’t in our budget but knowing how he wanted to dress and wanting to please his mother I took him to J.C. Penny’s.  I was with him the entire time.  We picked out 3 pairs of Silver tab jeans and some shirts.  He was pleased- and they fit him so I was pleased.  We came home and he was in his room when Mike got up to go to work.  I took Mike into Keith’s room to see the clothes- and lying on top of his new jeans were three pairs of shorts I did not buy.  Keith did not buy them either.  I was livid.  He had stolen them from Penny’s with

me standing right beside him!  I could not believe what I was seeing.  I took all of his clothes that were from that shopping trip away from him.  I did not agree with Mike but he said we had paid for these and we should send them with him.  ‘We’ can return the stolen ones.  I said no he gets no reward for being a thief.  The argument boiled down to he is Mike’s son and he will get the clothes that Mike paid for.  So I put him on the plane with his school clothes.  I drove to Penny’s and waited for them to open.  I did not want to be charged with shoplifting either so I walked up to the person opening the doors and handed them a bag of shorts.  I was walking back to my car when the employee asked what they were- I said I found them, I know they belong here.  Hurried into my car and drove away.

Chris sent Keith back as he was not doing well in school there either.  We couldn’t even keep him in school for a whole day.  I finally sat down with him and talked about us doing home school.  He was interested.  Mike thought I was insane.  I looked into our options for curriculums.  I decided if I am going to home school Keith I am going to do it for Regina too.  She was struggling with making it thru Mondays due to some cleaner they used over the weekends.  She could usually only be inside the school building for about 2 hours before she needed a nebulizer treatment.  The school was trying to work with us with open windows, extra ventilation and such but it wasn’t improving.  So we began homeschooling the next school year!

Sam and Bev Bryan lost their Rocky Mountain News distributorship.  I watched the ad in the paper seeking applicants.  I talked it over with Mike.  He said go and find out about it.  So I set up an interview and came home very encouraged.  I asked Mike if he would consider leaving Pepsi and us just doing newspapers, because this is really big.  He said I want two days off a week and $100 spending money every week.  I said ok.  I signed the contract for the distributorship and he turned in his notice with Pepsi.

Our income went from living in a trailer to a LARGE income.  I began shopping for a home on acreage.  I bought the girls a white pony.  Her name was Rainbow.  She was part mini and part Welsh.  She had a freckled colt at her side.  He was ¾ mini and ¼ Welsh.  We would do school, go down ride Rainbow and finish our day with a swim at the local pool.  I’ve often wondered why I didn’t stay right like that!  Lots of play time and not much work!  But no- I found a home on 7 3/8 acres for sale that it took lots of effort but we qualified to buy.  They required us to sell our home in Granby, which we had been trying to do for a long time!  But with motivation to buy this place down here I told our renters either buy it or move out- so they bought it!  We signed the closing papers for our place the week before Christmas, 1994.  The papers stated that Cleo and Duffy (the owners) had to vacate on Dec 24.  I told them you don’t have to move out on Christmas Eve.  As long as we can start moving in in January that will be fine.  Well two weeks into January I did have to get a little tough and say- I am moving us in now.  So not sure if you want to still be here or not!  They moved boxes out as we moved boxes in- it was kind of funny.  Duffy came out that summer and showed me the irrigation.  They were very sweet people.

Mike said ok we are in the country we need horses!  I was amazed.  I had bought a quarter horse called Dickens but Mike was saying let’s get everyone a horse!  So we started shopping and found a family downsizing and he wanted to sell all the horses.  They had an older gelding that I wanted for Adriane but the gentleman’s granddaughter begged him not to sell her horse.  His son came out and said to me “do you think you can ride my buckskin?’  I am a Barkey- I can ride ANYTHING.  I mounted and took the horse up over the hill much to everyone’s amazement.  He wasn’t a bucker- he just was barn sour and I won.  When I turned him to come home he began loping and I thought we will work you a little with this.  I also knew he would just race to his corral and slam on the brakes, however I failed to consider his owners possible interference.  As we approached the driveway the man jumped in front of the horse and spooked him the opposite direction.  I was seated to turn right- the horse spooked left and I went straight down the gravel road.  I dislocated some fingers that had been wound in his mane, I scraped elbows and knees.  My glasses fell off and I was trying to get on my feet and to my glasses to catch the horse.  They assured me that they would catch him and apologized.  Well we ended up buying two of their horses, Socks and Bolt.  I limped myself into the backseat of the car with most of thinking my arm was broken.  We got home and the Mike brought the kids into the house and told me to stay in the car.  He brought out our swimming suits and took me to the Hot Springs pool to soak.  He floated me around and as my arm was finding relief I discovered the cracked ribs.  I had cracked ribs on the right side and a fractured wrist on the left arm.  This was Saturday and I had Sunday papers to deliver.  We got home and to bed.  In the morning Mike cinched me up with his old rib belt.  I had a brace for my wrist and off to work we went.  Keith promised to come help with my route as soon as his was done.  I managed to deliver most of the machines but I could not roll papers with those cracked ribs, and when I did get one rolled I couldn’t throw it with my fractured wrist.  Keith found me crying in the City Market parking lot.  He jumped in my truck and we got my route done.  For the next six weeks I hired Jeanette’s daughter to ride with me on Sundays and throw all my

home delivery newspapers.

I then went to an auction and came home with 3 more horses.  I was trying to explain the “deal” that they were when my friend Jeanette calls.  She is telling me that she found the perfect dog for me.  I am thinking I just filled this place with horses there is no way I am going to ask for a dog too.  Mike was listening to the phone call- and when I hung up, he said lets go get him.  I was dumbfounded!  We drove into the shelter and picked up ‘Prince’ our Russian Sheep Dog.  We still had Duke our black lab.  I also got a goat that we named Charlie.  I have heard from many people that keeping a goat around horses keeps the horses healthier.  I enrolled the girls into 4-H.  We became part of the Ridge Riders.  It was a good group of kids and parents who were very helpful.  Most of our kids were within a year of each other’s ages and they played together well.

4-H was fun and we all learned tons.  Life was what I had hoped for.  I never signed anything to be a leader or volunteer with 4H.  I was there and helped with everything but knowing how public 4H is I felt safer knowing that my name would not be published.  I knew if LeRoy would start looking for me that he would look where there are kids and animals.  I was trying to not make it easy for him to find me.  After our first year in 4H they had a banquet dinner at the Glenwood Springs High School.  They requested clubs volunteer to do skits.  Kaycee and Nancy, the leaders of the Ridge Riders 4-H Club came up with a cute skit and I helped with the costumes.  The kids had to come on and off stage as different animals thru the skit.  It turned out GREAT!  Nancy wanted to call me out on stage to thank me for all the work I did.  In a blink of an eye I thought, if I step out on that stage LeRoy will shoot me.  I dismissed the thought immediately but told Nancy, no I do not want to come out on stage.  She was insisting and I told her absolutely not- She stepped out to say thank you and I grabbed my girls and we left.  They didn’t get their awards or cake.  It built into anger towards Nancy and I was going to drop out of the club.  I was talking to Mike about it, needing his help to decipher what happened and why I was angry.  As we talked it out, I remember the crazy thought of LeRoy shooting me.  I had run away in fear and masked it over as though it was anger.   Just one of the everlasting effects of abuse.  Regina was struggling with her asthma as Mother’s Day was nearing.  Same type of symptoms, cold, congestion and her asthma getting out of control.  I took her into Valley View Hospital because she needed oxygen.  They tried to make me register as I am holding my 12 yr. old daughter whose lips and fingertips are blue.  I told them I will register once you get her on oxygen.  She is in severe distress.  They started to hesitate and I started for the first ER room.  I can turn on oxygen- I don’t need a doctor I told them.  They then helped her and as her color was returning I went to ‘register’.  She spent the night at Valley View and they determined they would send her to National Jewish Hospital in Denver the next day.  They sent a fixed wing ambulance.  I was able to ride in the tail of the plane.  We learned a lot about asthma from this hospital.  They are the respiratory specialists of the nation.

In December our first granddaughter was born.  Keith had a sweet girlfriend who he had gotten pregnant.  They had an apartment in Rifle and were trying to get life started.  Sadly when Christiane was about 9 months old they separated and Keith moved home with us with Christiane.  One thing led to another and we were forced to pack Keith’s belongings and set them on the road.  Christiane lived with us until she was nearly 5 years old.  At that time her mother picked her up and refused to bring her back.  Today she is nearly 18 years old and living on her own

She has lived with us nearly half of her life and is a beautiful young woman.  The sweetest words I’ve ever heard in my entire life came from her.  As a toddler she looked at me one day and said, “I Buv OO, Gramma”.   I was touched deeper with that love that she oozed into my life that I can ever describe.

Mike made an acquaintance that I did not really like.  He was called ‘Bubba’ but his name was Leland.  I did not trust Bubba and let Mike know that.  Bubba convinced Mike to start a computer business with him.  They wanted to open a store where you could rent time on computers, and get snacks or maybe even sandwiches.  They wanted to do this in Grand Junction.  I told Mike no.  Grand Junction is too far away.  Already our contract had changed with the Rocky Mountain News and although we were making great money it wasn’t as stable as it had been.  Mike demanded to open this Cyber Café.  I told him if you do this it is without me.  I am homeschooling our girls, doing 4H and living the life.   Sadly he was happy to hear that I wouldn’t be interfering.

I got a call about 9 PM one night from my Aunt Patsy.  She asked if I knew Mom was in the hospital.  I said no, what happened.  She told me the little bit that she knew.  I thanked her, hung up and called my sister.  We both made plans to go to Tucson.  I loaded up Adriane and myself in the T100 and we headed out.  About 20 miles out of Moab Utah I ran over something metal and blew a tire.  I had made the mistake of not have a jack with me or the tool to let the spare tire down.  It was about 3:30 AM.  I was trying to decide if we should walk towards Moab or the other direction when here comes one set of headlights.  Adriane says, Mom you have to flag them down- we need help!  I prayed for God’s help and safety.  I stepped out and waved my arm as the truck went by.  They slowed down, turned around and came back.  It was a man and his wife in a big Dodge dually truck.  He had every tool you could possibly want!  He had just had shoulder surgery and apologized he couldn’t do the work.  I assured him the use of his tools was more of a blessing than I could have hoped for.  I got the tire changed and we all were back on the road.  When I got to Tucson I drove straight to Tucson Medical Center.  I was at the nursing station inquiring of Mom’s room number when someone knocked my knee out of under me.  That agitated me, I turned around and my sister was standing there!  We had arrived within minutes of each other.  We walked into Mom’s room and Judy the owner of The Mint Bar was sitting with her.  I said hello and she politely excused herself without much conversation.  Mom did not recognize either one of us.  The Doctor came in and spoke with us.  The valve in the top of her heart was not functioning correctly and needed to be replaced.  She would have to not drink or smoke for at least 3 weeks to have this operation.  Her health did not warrant her staying in the hospital.  The Doctor explained she is having DT’s right now.  We are giving her some medicine to help with that.  We asked if she cannot stay in the hospital is there a clinic that she could stay in.  He said he would look into it but he didn’t think so.  He let us know without the surgery she probably would only live 6 months.  We visited with Mom and decided to go to her house and get some rest.  We drove to her house; I had to climb in thru my old bedroom window!  Felt like a teenager again!  I let Linda and Adriane in.  We checked the refrigerator it was stocked with a 12 pack of beer and a 1lb Hershey’s candy bar.  I said to Linda, well here is one reason she isn’t feeling good.  We got a nights rest and back to the hospital.  Mom was feeling better and recognized us.  Mom was able to tell us what she remembered.  She said she went to her Doctor on Monday and didn’t remember anything after that.  We asked why you went to your Doctor.  She said she had a car accident Friday night coming home at Richey and Glen.  That her chest hurt all weekend she thought from her seatbelt.  She did not have an appointment she just decided that she would sit in his office till he could check her out.  When we talked to her Doctors office they said she was unresponsive and they called an ambulance.  We took her car home and knew we would have to get it repaired.  We set up an appointment with the adjuster and drove her car down there.  We went in and they said her car is totaled.  I said no, I just drove it.  It drove just fine- the front bumper and grill are damaged but that isn’t much.  They explained the age of the car makes it not worth repairing it.  Neither Linda nor I wanted to tell Mom her car was totaled.  We talked about it- I took the jack and spare tire for my truck.  We let her know when we went back to the hospital and she seemed to not be upset at all.  She would be released from the hospital soon and had told us she wanted the surgery.  Neither my sister nor I believed that.  We contacted a home health agency that would help us take care of her.  They would come in 3 times a week to do anything needed.  Linda’s daughter Cari was pregnant and almost due to deliver her 1st child so Linda was anxious to get home, as I was too.  We brought her home and settled her in with easy to prepare food.  We had spoken with many of her friends who were willing to come help her.  Mike and Lisa Smith talked to us about possibly renting her house if she couldn’t stay there.  We both thought that would be a good idea.  Mike called and told me he had fallen asleep driving and wrecked one of the trucks.  Regina and he were okay but we needed the truck that I was driving back.  So I packed Adriane and I up and left for home the next morning.  About a week later Linda returned home to become a Grandma.  We were both calling each day and overall Mom seemed to be doing alright.  One of her friends Nicole drove her to a checkup, during that visit the Doctor asked Mom how her parents died?  She explained her Mother was accidently shot in the leg and her Father died from being bucked off a horse causing

a head injury.  Nicole called me and said I think she is telling them about a movie or something- can you tell me so I can tell the Doctor- I said Nicole that is how her parents died.  She was amazed.   I called Mom one evening to visit and she said Honey did you make it home ok?  I said I did Mom.  Mom, where did you think I was?  She said you left here this morning sweetheart I just wanted to make sure you got home ok.    I said Mom is anyone there with you?  She said yes Nicole is here.  I said let me talk to her please.  Nicole got on the phone with me, I said please don’t leave her.  I can’t leave to come there until tomorrow but I will come pick her up and bring her home with me.  Nicole said thank you.  I’ve been counting her pills and she isn’t taking the right ones and sometimes she knows me, sometimes she doesn’t.  I am off for the next two days so I don’t mind staying till you get here.  I thanked her and began preparing to leave for Arizona.  We were supposed to be shearing sheep with our 4H club getting ready for fair so I took our shearers and sheep over to one of the families.  During the fiasco of catching the sheep I took a nasty fall on my right hip, but I just kept on working.   I emptied the truck so that I would be able to load as much as Mom’s stuff as possible.  Adriane and I drove down to Tucson again.  I began packing up Mom’s life of over 30 years.  Deciding what to bring and what to leave.  She was angry sometimes, nice sometimes.  I loaded up our ¾ T Chevy with as much as I could possibly fit into it.  Sharon and Bret came over and helped me.  Linda wanted to move her to California- but I was certain Mom didn’t want to live with Linda.  I failed to realize that rarely does anyone want to give up their life and move in with their children.  Mom, Mike, Lisa and I talked and agreed on them renting Mom’s house.  We got Mom to Colorado without too many issues and settled into our home.  She had good days and bad days.  I can still hear her saying Colorful Cold Colorado- why did you bring me here?  I hate Colorado!  But with better nutrition her health was improving although she demanded absolutely no surgery and filled out a living will. Mom decided she was absolutely not going to rent her castle to anyone.  She agreed to sell it and flew back to Tucson to sign the papers to sell her house.  She came back without much discussion but I knew how hard it was for her to sell her castle.

About 6 weeks later my hip was still causing me great discomfort so I went to the Doctor.  My hip was dislocated and had been ever since that fall catching the sheep.  Through physical therapy we got it back into place and strengthened although it still causes me pain from time to time.

Mike came to me in tears, six months after opening his computer store.  He said Leland hasn’t even been in to the store for 2 or more months.  I’ve been trying but I can’t do it.  Please I need your help.  I went with him.  I tried to figure out Leland’s QuickBooks files.  They were pass worded.  I had to learn fast how to keep a network up and running.  They had 10 computers networked for gaming.  They had put in a scanner, color printer and so forth.  The hours had been set to run from 9AM – 10PM.  Mike had bought everything with credit cards in our names.  Leland had paid for nothing.  They called the store Cyber Function.  I ‘closed’ Cyber Function and opened Cyber Junction to make sure Leland could not reap any benefits.  Plus it was only one letter to change on signs and advertising!  I went from living the life to picking up newspapers in Vail every morning about 2AM driving to Glenwood and splitting the newspapers with Mike who left and delivered to Grand Junction.  I delivered all the way to Aspen, came home would feed our animals, load the girls up and drive to the store in Grand Junction.  Work there until 10 PM – drop the girls off at home and go straight to the newspaper drop in Vail.  I was tired and we did not have paying customers.  We had lots of people who came and played games with Mike but not paying customers.  I listed the business for sale.  We ran it for about 1 ½ years before everything fell apart.  Living our lives online- Mike found a girlfriend and I found a boyfriend.  He met with his girlfriend and slept with her while I did his job, my job and took care of my sick mom.  Mom had recovered enough that she rented herself a senior apt in Silt. He brought me roses.  I realized why I had received roses in the past- I told him I never wanted another second place trophy EVER.  I told him I was done and going home.  I tried to salvage your business that I told you was a bad idea- I won’t be back.   Do what you want, come home with me or stay here but the money is done.  So we packed everything up and came home.  Some of the leases they had signed we were able to get out of, some we had to pay.  We had gone from rolling in the dough to me carrying a calculator at the grocery store again because we did not have extra money.  We had reached a point in paying down the excess debt and I did not have to carry a calculator.  Our anniversary Nov 12 Mike and I went to the Grand Junction Mall without the girls.  Mike bought us matching gold plated bracelets.  It cost about $60 total.

The day that was the final turning point in my life on the fence of living for God.  God carried me through this next traumatic event.  He opened doors of real people in my life to help me get onto His divine path permanently.  I would have never made it through this ordeal without Him holding my hand and being my foundation.  The sinking sand in my choices and decisions all came to an end and I

began to find the Glory of God everywhere.

On Nov 19 1999 it was a Tuesday.  Tuesday was grocery shopping day for my mother.  She was living in the senior housing and suffering from dementia.  Some days were worse than others.  This was one of her bad days.  She had been calling me nearly every hour demanding to go to the store.  I would explain to her that as soon as the kids are done with school we will come get you to go shopping.  At the time Christiane was living with us, our granddaughter.  I had laid her down for a nap and the girls finished up their school.  I was going to wake Christiane when Regina said please Mom, let us stay home.  We don’t want to be with Gramme today.  I understood- The dementia made it hard to be with her.  She was angry and resentful most of the time.  The phone calls she had made to me that day told us all it would be a tough trip to the store.  I agreed to let the girls stay home.  Regina was 13, Adriane 9 and Christiane was 2.  I had a cell phone they could call if anything happened and the girls were very responsible young ladies.  I left my house at 3PM.  I picked up my Mom, took her to the store- did my shopping along with hers.  We stopped at The Corner store because that is where she wanted to buy her cigarettes.  I took her home, carried in her groceries and put away the refrigerator items because she would forget to and cause them to spoil.  Later reading my own arrest report it stated that I pulled into the driveway at 4:30 PM.

This is the second Nov 19th in my life that was an absolute tragic day that brought about life changes that had positive outcomes.  I do not know enough about numerology to extrapolate on the meanings of these dates, but felt I had to point out that it appears November is a turning point in my life more than once!

When I pulled in there was a mini van parked in front of the garage and the garage was open.  I was not happy about that.  Keith was living in the pump house

and hitchhiked a lot.  I guessed he had bummed a ride from someone and now had taken them thru my garage, maybe even into my house.  His choices of friends were not people I wanted around.  I tooted the horn on the truck- which meant ‘I’m home, come help carry groceries!’  But no one responded.  I was even more upset- I guessed that they were listening to the T.V. so loud they did not hear the horn.  I grabbed as many bags as I could carry and headed to the door.  I was struggling with the screen door but got it and the front door opened.  There were uniformed people.  I stepped inside to a wall of 4 uniformed people.  I set my bags down and went into trauma mode.  I guessed that Regina had had an asthma attack.  These people were introducing themselves and I realized there is no ambulance here.  I set my checkbook down on top of the aquariums. Did they already take her to the hospital?  Why did no one call me?  I saw the girls sitting on the couch.  I thought ‘horse accident’?  I realized the girls were all looking at the T.V. and not looking at me- but I could see all three of them.  They were ok.  I was shaking these strangers’ hands when they told me their name.  Last one was Terri Merinelli.  I offered my hand, she with disgust said I am wearing gloves (rubber).  I said I am sorry, just trying to be polite- she timidly shook my hand.  I told them my name.  Terri asked to speak to me away from the children.  I said ok and started towards my bedroom because that is my private space.  She stopped me and said I can’t let you go in there.  I was confused- she suggested we talk at the other end of the house.  Ok I turn around; when I pass the kitchen I realize all these people are police officers.  There does not seem to be any EMT’s.  Where is Keith?  Who was driving that van?  Officer Tony Pagnea asked me if there were any guns in the house.  I said yes and lots of people froze.  I said there are handguns in my room.  Terri asked if there are any hunting rifles?  I said no.  Any shotguns?  No.  Tony asked where are the hand guns?  I looked him in the eye and said I can show you where they are.  He put his hand on my shoulder and said I cannot let you near the guns.  I nodded my understanding.  I said let me try to describe to you where to find them.  I used the dining room and ‘painted’ a picture of where they were hidden in our room.  At that point they had not found any of our guns.  They were put away well to make sure our children never ‘played’ with them.  We proceeded into Adriane’s bedroom and Tony told me he was there to protect Terri.  I told him she does not need protection from me.  I have nothing to hide, and no disrespect.  Terri began questioning me about the marijuana they had found in our bedroom.  I told her it was not mine.  That it was Mike’s and I had nothing to do with it.  She yelled at me, she slapped me, she shoved me backwards into the wall.  Finally Tony told her that was enough.  She stepped out of the room.  She came back in and arrested me, but did not tell me what the charges were.  She kept asking me where Mike was and I told her he went golfing today.  He is either at the course or the bar.  She told me that the girls could go with a friend as long as that friend had a clean background check.  I gave her my friend Sandra’s phone number.  She was trying to call Sandra whose line just kept ringing busy.  It turned out that Sandra was online and we were never able to get thru.  Bill Dungan showed up.  He was a family friend who was coming over to get a disc for his computer.  When he began to turn in, a police officer told him that this was a drug bust and if he pulled onto the property he would be subject to search, seizure and arrest.  He said Becky and the girls are here alone- Of course I am coming to help.  They handcuffed him, searched his truck and left him sitting on our sofa.  They brought me out handcuffed and Regina and I body hugged.  Adriane scooted to me, said Mommy I have to go potty bad.  I turned to the officer watching the door.  He was Silt’s Chief of Police Frank Rupp.  I said excuse me officer, Adriane needs to go to the bathroom.  He took her back there and made the other officers let her close the door.  I told Regina they could go to a friend’s house- her face lit up and she said Heather.  I said Heather is in Wyoming right now.  She said Sandra, I said she must be online because her phone has been busy a long time.  She said Tammy- my face dropped.  I said where is Maggie and Abbey?  Regina was supposed to watch the girls when they got off the bus.  She said they were here- I called Tammy and told her so she left work and picked them up.  I body hugged her again- I told her I am so sorry.  Terri already had Tammy’s phone number and called to see if the girls could come up there.  I could hear Tammy, she told them yes and was stalling for time.  Her husband pulled in while Tammy was talking to the police- I said Tim is here loudly and asked for permission for Regina to take the new diapers out of the back of the truck.  I told Regina if they won’t let you- I will pay Tammy tomorrow for diapers.  They got into Tim’s car and Tim pulled out of my driveway.

An argument broke out in my bedroom.  Someone threw something and yelled it’s another bad fucking bust.  Another male voice said no it isn’t you’ve got the pot, the scales the bags, you have EVERYTHING.  I hear the other voice hit the scales and yell and all of it adds up to less than 7 ounces.  Terri jumps up, runs into my bedroom and slams the door.  Well Mike always promised me he would never have more than 8 ounces here.  He would never have more than a misdemeanor amount.  So that tells me they are going to strut around here and carry on but when it is all said and done it won’t be a big deal.

We had three dogs that were defensive at this time.  Duke was old and preferred his younger companions to take on the fights but he would still protect his girls.  Regina had chained Duke and Prince up to protect them so that they would not

bite an officer and had Roper with her.  We only had two chains and Roper obeyed Regina better.  After the girls left for Tammy’s Roper was at my feet.  Several times he curled his lip and was growling at officers behind me.  At one time Roper lunged to go over the back of the sofa but I stood up to block him.  I knew if he defended me they would kill him.

Terri comes out of the bedroom and Chuck starts calling the house.  Chuck was Mike’s buddy and had gone golfing with him that day.  Terri asked me why he was calling- the messages Chuck was leaving told me that they knew the police were here.  Keith also called and left a message that he wouldn’t be home until late.  I told Terri, He knows something is up- he never calls me for anything.  I told Terri where Chuck’s house was and she hit Mike’s other set of golf clubs and yells she thinks I am stupid.  She has been lying to us all afternoon, here’s his golf clubs- I knew that explaining he owned two sets would do no good.  They made a plan to go get Mike at Chuck’s house when Chuck pulled into the driveway.  Mike got out of the car and was drunk.  I mean shit faced drunk.  Someone yelled what is your name?  He said Michael Maloney.  Someone said do you know why we are here- and Mike responded with I want a lawyer.  They handcuffed him walked him up the stairs and into the house.  They walked him back to Adriane’s room and tried to question him.   He had eaten at Mr. P’s which caused indigestion and bad gas.  He began letting gas and Terri was so grossed out she decided to haul us to jail.   They let Bill drive Chuck home because Chuck was too drunk to be driving as well.  They walked us outside and I asked if they allow me to put Roper in one of our trucks.  They said he would be fine, I said don’t kill my dog- I can put him in a truck and he won’t bite that way.  They said no.  They loaded us into the back of a Sherriff’s vehicle and headed to Glenwood Springs.  Being handcuffed with a seat belt pushing me back was causing extreme pain in my shoulders.  When we got to the jail I was sobbing from the agony.  They asked me to lean back to release my seat belt- I said I can’t.  An officer reached in from Mike’s side and released my seat belt.  I stepped out, they walked us inside. They put me in a holding place that was for phone visits and removed the handcuffs.  I paced, I sat, I rocked and I cried.  I was locked in and not coping very well.  They came and got me- took my eye glasses, my wedding ring and my bracelet.  They put me into an actual holding cell right next to Mike.  The room I was in was rather warm.  Apparently Mike’s room was very cold.  He asked for a blanket.  They brought him a blanket, he asked for a blanket for me.  They went and got a blanket and brought it to me.  I wrapped it around me for comfort but did not need it for warmth.  I was pacing and trying not to panic.  They took Mike out of his cell and processed him into jail.  He put on their orange jumpsuit.  They walked him back to where the cells were.  I was trying to prepare myself to be next.  I was panicked.  An officer opened my cell lead me to a phone on the wall and handed me a piece of paper with a phone number.  I dialed it.  A man answered said ‘Boyd’s Bail Bonds’ I said Boyd Cantebury?  He said yes.  I said my name is Rebecca Maloney.  I met you one night when you bailed my stepson Keith out of jail.  I am in jail and I need you to get me out.  He asked me what I was charged with.  I said I don’t know.  I blurted out that I had credit cards that I could pay him with or the title to a horse trailer.  He said call me back and I will let you know.  I grasped the phone and begged him not to hang up.  I only get this one phone call- please don’t leave me in here.  He assured me they would allow me to call him again.  I turned to look at the officers and said he wants me to call back- they said ok.  I said the charges have to do with drugs but I don’t know what they are.  And hung up my link to the outside world.  They took me back to the holding cell.  A psychiatrist came in and questioned me.  I felt like I was coming apart at the seams and apparently I looked like it too.  It seemed like a lifetime passed and they told me to call that number again.  I dialed and Boyd answered.  He said you are being charged with possession of more than 8 oz., possession with intent to distribute and then the heavy charges are 4 special offender charges.  One for each hand gun.  Bail is $8500.  Do you want me to bail you out?  I said YES.  I will pay you or give you my horse trailer, whichever you want.  He said ok we will start the paperwork.  Back into the holding cell.  Then they fingerprinted me.  They handed me papers to sign.  I was trying to read thru them quickly.  One of them was a restraining order that stated I could have nothing to do with anyone involved in the case.  Another police car pulled in and my stepson Keith was in it.  He was yelling they would not tell him if his daughter was ok.  I was confused.  I did not know why he was arrested and being brought into jail too.  I asked the woman deputy to tell him his daughter was at the neighbors and was safe.  She realized we knew each other and I was put back into a holding cell while they brought him in.  I told her I couldn’t sign this restraining order- my children are part of your investigation, so is my husband I am going to talk to my family, I live with them.  She told me it was to protect the police but I said you are making me sign something that you can arrest me for.  She crossed out any persons and wrote in any police officers.  I signed and she told me to go straight to Boyd’s bail bonds.  I looked at her blankly.  She asked me if I knew where it was and I began shaking and told her I don’t even know where I am.  She walked me outside, she pointed the lights to Boyd’s place across the street.  She said can you walk there.  I said Yes, thank you.  I walked that way and Boyd came out and met me.  I took his arm and said we have to get Mike out of there.  He is probably charged with the same charges and you can have the title to our corvette.  In Boyd’s office the paperwork said we had 1 ½ lbs. of marijuana.  He asked me if I was sure I wanted to get Mike out.  I said yes.  He said ok, let’s go start the paperwork.  He called and said process him out.  He offered me his cigarettes.  He smoked Kool’s.  I never liked menthol but was happy to have the first cigarette since around 4 that afternoon.  I asked to make a phone call.  I called Bill Dungan and asked him to go get our newspapers.  I told him by the time he got back we should be out.  Bill called another of our friends and they delivered the newspapers for us that night.  I smoked Boyd’s whole pack of cigarettes.  Keith was let out on a PR bond and came over to Boyd’s.  They left me to answer the phone and went to 7-11 to buy me my own cigarettes.  Finally about 3 AM Mike was processed out.  Boyd drove us all home.  I kept driving past Tammy’s house waiting to see lights come on so I could pick up the girls.  They woke up about 6 AM and I went up to the house.   I explained the charges to Tammy and Tim.  Turned out that Tammy didn’t know how to tell Tim that she had had to leave work and pick up the girls the day before- so when the police called for my girls to come up there she knew Tim would be pulling into my driveway to pick up his own girls.  My girls ran out, they got in the car- Tim asked where his girls were and Regina said they are already home so Tim pulled out and got my kids away from here.  I was so thankful.  Tammy had the girls play dress up until everyone collapsed from exhaustion and was getting ready to take care of them today.  They were very kind to us.  Sadly they were in the middle of an ugly custody battle so their children were not allowed to come back here- but at least they were kind.  At 7 I drove back into Glenwood and paid Boyd with Credit cards for our bail and took his advice and went to the bank.  I emptied our bank account and went to the county recorder’s office and reported my titles lost and requested new titles.  Once they gave me new titles to the horse trailer and the corvette I signed the corvette over to a friend so that Trident would not be able to

confiscate it.  I signed the horse trailer over to Boyd.

I had to tell my mother.  I knew it would be in the newspaper and even with dementia there was no way she would not find out.  So we went down and told my mom.  She slapped Mike and called him every name there was.  She didn’t like him in the first place and this didn’t help!  Regina was part of a brand new horse judging team that was being started up by our new county extension agent, Jackie.  She had won a scholarship for a full ride thru CSU and was promoting it here.  It was fun and exciting.  Sadly after our arrest, Jackie deemed that Regina and I were cheating and worked hard at getting us to drop out.  I fought for us as long as I could but I had too many fights to keep battling Jackie.  We left 4H, hurt and dejected.  We had not cheated but having so much piled up against left all of us feeling defeated, unwanted and unloved.  I had to talk to my sister about taking the girls.  It was not certain but at times it looked like we might be going to prison.  I had to ensure my children would be taken care of.  I had custody papers drawn up and money for tickets to fly them to California quickly.  They offered us a plea bargain of dropping all the charges except possession with intent to distribute.  Minimum jail time for Mike and just community service for me.  Mike wanted to fight it.  The pictures of the evidence were not taken in our house.  They took pictures of our guns, in our house.  They took pictures of Mike’s pipes and the scales in the house.  The pictures of the 1 ½ lb. of marijuana were taken somewhere else.  But trying to get anyone hear that there was not that much marijuana here was impossible.  They had also handcuffed 13 yr. old Regina.  I tried to file a complaint about that and was told she was handcuffed for her safety.  Even my sister did not believe me.  She said if we had a joint or a million lbs. it didn’t matter to her.  I knew Mike smoked pot.  I knew he sold some pot to his ‘friends’.  But it was not out in the open- the girls did not know anything about it.

They were in complete shock.  I began crocheting each of the girls their own blankets.  I thought I would be going to prison and knew I wouldn’t survive.  I wanted them to have something to wrap around them when they wanted their mommy.  I crocheted Regina a blue queen size blanket and Adriane a pink queen size blanket.  I hoped they would be big enough that they would never outgrow them.

Somewhere between the arrest and the sentencing I learned that Mike and Chuck had turned onto the road as I was walking away from the truck with the groceries.  Mike saw at least 6 armed police officers with weapons drawn following me up towards the house.  He told Chuck to keep on going.  They drove around the loop and left.  Mike said he knew he wouldn’t be getting dinner so he went to eat at Mr. P’s.  Then they began drinking and trying to figure out what to do.  I am still in disbelief that he just left me and the girls here knowing we were innocent.

God has filled me with grace to overcome the sense of betrayal that happened.  With God’s grace I became stronger and looked to God for comfort, strength and guidance.

Mike’s case went to court first.  He was sentenced to 60 days in jail.  He was given 15 days off for good time.  I don’t remember how many community service hours but I had told him you better serve all those hours while you are in jail because we need you here when you get out not off on community service.  I had a court date while he was in jail.  I was mad.  I wouldn’t even be going thru this if it wasn’t for him and now I had to go to court alone.  The night before I got a phone call.  He said, my name is Pastor Daryl Reeves and I’ve been talking to Mike in jail.  He said you have a court date tomorrow and I am offering to go with you.  Here I am alone, doing my job, doing his job- being Mom and Dad and he is sicking a preacher on me?  What is wrong with him?  I said ‘This is a fine f****** time for him to sick a preacher on me.  You have a fine f****** life’ click.  I went and delivered all our newspapers, took the girls to my Moms with airplane money and custody papers and drove myself to court.  When they called me up I noticed a man in a suit stand up.  I also noticed that he left when I left.  My case was continued for another month.  That was the plan so that the children did not have to go to California, but I didn’t trust that so had things ready in case.  In trying to make up for this horrid disaster in our lives I encouraged animals.  Somehow I thought if the girls were busy with pets they wouldn’t think about the arrest, court dates and such.  We fostered in birds from The Gabriel Foundation as well as purchased some of our own.  We had 12 large exotic birds that kept us busy with destruction, bird bites and screaming!  Mike said one day as he was looking at our Kahala (1/2 Moluccan ½ Umbrella Cockatoo) that God gave these beautiful animals wings for a reason and it was not to sit in a cage.  I agree with that completely and try to advise against breeding of any animals.  There is such an overload of unwanted animals that I wish we could stop breeding.

I had begun to think about turning our little ranchette into an animal sanctuary.  God spoke to me one day and told me, I am taking care of the animals.  They are all just fine.  I need you to look after the humans.  I argued with God.  I do not like the humans or trust them.  Animals don’t hurt me and I want to be with them instead.  God just loved me through this, showing me the hurt that many people had and how to help them.  I was a stubborn student, but finally listened to God when I found this scripture:  Matthew 6:26  “Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father

feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27“And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?…

Mike was released from jail on a Saturday morning.  As we are driving home he says, I’ve been talking to a preacher while in jail and I think maybe we should go to his church- the whole family.  I said you will come to church with us?  He said yes, I said let’s go!  We went to Crystal River Baptist Church in Carbondale the next day.  As we were walking up the front walkway, Pastor Reeves came to meet us, shook our hands and I realized he was in court that day with me.  He shook my hand like he was my best friend.  He never mentioned me cursing him and hanging up on him.  We did some family counseling with him and I learned that he left court that day and went to give Mike the news.  I obviously was not allowed to call him with updates- and he was concerned.

It was time for me to go to court.  I was praying to God and begging to understand why I was being ‘crucified’.  I opened my bible and it was at the actual crucifixion of Jesus.  I apologized when I realized although what I was going thru was hard it was a cake walk compared to what Jesus went thru.  He is innocent and although I did not use it or sell it- I did know Mike was and I knew that it was illegal.  I was sentenced to 60 days in the work ender program and 80 hours of community service.  I got all of those done and behind me as fast as I possibly could.  I would work at night earning an income, work during the day to pay for marrying the wrong person.  I learned how dysfunctional our legal system is.  I came in one evening dog tired, and here are my sweet girls always trying to be encouraging.  Regina says how was your day, momma?     Never mind- I did not just say that, I am sorry however your day was I am going to make it worse.  I hugged her and said how you could make it worse.  She looked down and said Flash collicked and died today.  Flash was my horse.  We had ordered custom saddles while Mike was in jail.  I said where is he?  She told me he rolled out under the fence and was beside the road.  I walked over there- he was an incredible horse.  I thought God- Why?  What have I done?  I don’t understand.  I sat next to him stroking him for a while.  I finally came into the house and collapsed in bed.  I didn’t go to work enders the next day so I could call for the truck to come haul off Flash.  I took care of as many household things as I could in a day.  I got so lost in completing the court orders I put my children on the back burner.  I regret that tremendously.  I completed my court sentenced Work Enders and community service hours on March 30, 2001 and only had probation to finish.  Mike and I had probation meetings together on Friday nights every week.  Steve Dunbar was our probation officer.  Regina ran away to California during this time.  We were not allowed to leave the state.  She had fallen into the grips of methamphetamines and caused us many sleepless nights and more grey hair.  Happily we got her back in about 6 months alive.  We helped direct her attention towards Stacy who was infatuated with her already.

The only bad thing Duke ever did was die on Christmas Eve.  He had been having heart problems and we had been trying to give him extra TLC.  On Christmas Eve morning he went into the girls’ bedroom and died.  We have always missed the best dog we ever had.

In January of 2000 we received a 30 day notice to the end of our newspaper contract.  They were merging with the Denver Post and had no need of our services.  I received a bonus for working to the end of the notice and picking up newspaper machines for them.  Now the contract which had netted us $300,000 a year for income was gone and we had no way to replace that kind of income.  Mike did not understand the gravity of the situation.  I took two jobs and he went to work for Holsum bread.  I had saved money for a long time and was grateful for that.  I had about $70,000 tucked away in places that Mike did not know about.  So each month I would close another savings account or CD to cover what our incomes were not.  I was working at substituting newspaper routes throughout the county and as a waitress at Silt Café.  Mom was getting worse and I was trying to stay close for her.  Mike came into Silt Café and wanted a golf pass.  I was so mad.  He said something like well why don’t you see if you can work at Village Inn on your days off here?  I actually went to work there and threw our checkbook at him.  I told him you find golf pass money- I am done babying you- we are bankrupt!  He tried to give me the check book back a couple of days later and I refused- I told him you have to pay the bills and see what is going on.  All my savings had been used up and we were still way too far in debt.  He took over paying the bills and has managed to get us out of this hole that we had dug ourselves into.

I was at the end of my shift at Village Inn when Mom had a heart attack.  Mike called her an ambulance and by the time I got there I was pretty sure this was the end of it.  I called Linda and let her know.  She came and we got to spend Mother’s day with her in ok shape.  She had a small stroke, and then kidney failure started in.  She didn’t want to be saved so hospice stepped in and got her on pain care only.  Pneumonia began and we moved her to Grace Nursing Home.  She passed away on May 16, 2001.  I was released from probation that August and Mike was released in Oct of 01 or 02.  Mike had set up a Mother’s day lunch/dinner at a bed and breakfast in Redstone, but this was my last Mother’s

Day with my Mom so I had to cancel.  He took Regina which was sweet.

I had been planning on giving Mike an anniversary present and it was set in my mind that our anniversary was Nov 19th.  He took me out to dinner and gave me a gift bag.  As I opened it it was a jewelry box and I tried to hand it back to him.  I said no fair; you cannot give me this a week early when I am not ready with your gift.  Oops it was Nov 12th and that has always been our anniversary so once again Mike outdid me.  He gave me eternity diamond earrings and necklace.

Regina and Stacy were talking about getting married and wanted to get married at the Precious Moments Chapel in Missouri.  I told Regina it was time for us to build some happy memories and they should get married here at our home.  They decided yes, set a date June 14, 2004 and we began planning.  It was a nice ceremony- done very cute.  After the exchange of vows and rings Stacy tied an apron onto Regina and she clamped a ball and chain to his ankle.  We all had lots of laughs and we planted a weeping willow tree in the front yard.  They moved to Norman, Oklahoma where Stacy was from.  It was hard to let her leave.  She was happy and we are supposed to cut the apron strings.  She got pregnant!  I talked to her often and she was very ill with this pregnancy.  I felt so bad for her.  Jackie, Regina’s mother-in-law threw her a baby shower.  I was happy she had a caring extended family but sure wished there were not so many miles between us.  She gave birth to Asher Thomas on Feb 6, 2006.  We finally got to see them in May.  She was such a cute mommy!

Mike Erion our neighbor called and he had the pipeline ready to go.  Our irrigation water arrived at our property by ditch.  I never had enough water and the place was mostly dirt due to too many horses and not enough water.  Mike had set up for 3 of us to have our water piped from the main ditch.  It was a $32,000 project as far as my responsibility and the Colorado Water Resource Division picked up ½ of that cost.  So I now receive my water and the place is growing great!

Adriane wanted to leave home.  She wanted that for a few years so for a couple school summers she went to Ft. Collins and spent lots of time with Mike’s sister and her family.  It gave her a break from here and yet still in good care.  It was getting difficult to live with her as she had very little respect for either of us.  My cousin Christy needed help with her foster kids and I talked to Christy.  She said she would love to have her.  So I offered it up to Adriane who said no, she was going to Oregon with her friend.  I said no you are not.  You are only 17 and you will either be here with me or you can go to Christy’s.  She reluctantly went up there and fell in love with Christy and her family.  She hurried back down here and moved her furniture up there.  She decided she was going to enroll in school and graduate up there, which broke my heart.  But then she changed her mind and came home for school.  She was going to move back up there permanently.  She finished classes in Dec but wouldn’t get to graduate until May.  So she moved back up there and lived with our cousin Brian in Casper.  She worked and paid her own way.   I missed her so much.  Christy would call me and tell me how awesome she was- like I didn’t already knew that!

Prince and Roper were pretty much my dogs as the girls left the house.  Prince was blind and fairly deaf.  He wasn’t really that old but I had learned from my sister that animals that have a lot of white on their heads lose their sight and hearing much faster than other animals.  I had Prince put to sleep when he became too aggressive to trust without me nearby.  As long as he could touch me he was

sweet but without me he was overly aggressive.

Christiane was living with us and going to school in Silt.  She got home and had forgotten her house key so she was locked out and called me from the garage.  She told me that Roper was hurt.  I told her I would be home in about 15 min and asked her what was wrong with Roper.  She said his leg is bleeding.  I said ok well just sit quiet with him and I will hurry.  I got home and we came into the house.  She had put Roper back into the back yard so I was doing normal just got home chores and she reminded me about Roper.  I stepped out into the back yard and here limped Roper over to me.  His front leg was broke clean in two.  I sat down with him and he laid in my lap.  I asked Christiane to tell me everything that happened when she got home.  She said the house was locked so I walked around to the back yard and came into the yard and Roper was there.  Then I called you.  I never bothered to put Roper in the yard because he jumped out and knew he was loose in the front when I went to work.  He also chased any car that drove too fast down our road- a habit I had never been able to break him from.  My guess is someone ran over him causing his leg to be broken and then put him in his yard.  I don’t understand why you would leave a dog with a broken leg but I called our vet and met with him that night.  He said $800 and we didn’t have the money so I put Roper down.

Regina planned another pregnancy.  They wanted to have two children and they decided to keep them close.  She was not nearly as sick with this pregnancy.  He was due in June and I kept telling her that I wanted a grandbaby for my birthday.  We planned a trip for me out to Oklahoma to be there with her when she had this baby.  And as with all babies Isaiah did not agree to join us the way we planned.  I hoped he would be born when I got there and that would give me a week to ‘nurse’ Regina and chase Asher.  Isaiah was born on June 17, 2007 which only left me three days to help her.  I had to return to work and Stacy left town for his job on Monday.  So she was home alone with two babies and did a much better job than I could have.

For our anniversary in 2007 Mike bought a toy yorkie.  His name is Charlie Brown and although he was supposed to be gift for me he is very much Mikes’ dog.  It is nice that he has a pet that chooses him over everyone, finally.  In about March of 2008 I became convinced that Trident would be back to arrest us again.  I had come home one day and things had been moved in our garage and in our house.  I told Mike about it.  He thought it was my imagination.  My boss used marijuana as well.  I was dispatching at her home office when a fire broke out.  It was someone burning ditches whose fire started a wildfire.  My boss was driving around trying to figure out if her house was in danger or not when her significant other came running in and said the cops are here!  I am sitting next to Janet’s pipe and her stash is in the drawer beside me.  I was terrified.  Well the cops were at the corner to direct traffic around the fire.  But it set off one of those fear episodes that I lose control of.  I had been making plans to get out of ‘Dodge’ when the morning newspaper had pictures of 30 people arrested in a drug ring.  The same snitch that they used against Mike.  I knew EVERYONE arrested.  I either worked with them or went to church with them.  I dropped Christiane off at school, took Charlie Brown our little dog back home and got my bags.  I drove to Rifle and did my pickups for OSM Delivery.  I drove to Glenwood Springs left all those pickups at our general meeting place Gran Farnum Printing.  I drove over to the Village Inn and left my car parked in the row closest to the road so Mike would be able to find the car.  I sent Tanner the dispatcher a text message telling him I was leaving town and not to send me any more work.  I turned off the phone, locked up the car and carried my bags over to the Amtrak train depot.  I bought an Amtrak train ticket to Chicago and waited for the train.  It was a three day trip to Chicago which I spent riding with senior citizens on the handicap car.  They were fun and uplifting.  My plan was to call Pastor Reeves when I got off the train who knew people around Chicago.  I thought he would give me a good Christian home to stay at until I had a job and money, etc.  When I got off the train and called him his voice mail box was full.  So I called the church instead of his cell phone- that was forwarded to his cell phone.  I did not have a plan B.  I am in Chicago with no money.  I cut up my credit cards and left them at home.  I called Regina- I told her I was ok and no I could not tell her where I was.  I did not go to where family was because I was not going to be the reason cops stormed into their homes ever again.  I walked to a homeless shelter and checked in.  They offered me a permanent spot if I would sign up for their ‘bible school’ lock down program for 6 weeks.  I am running away from lockdown… why would I sign up for it??  I spent the night there and when they woke me in the morning I knew I had to get somewhere else.  I did not feel safe, and that was going to cause problems with my sanity.  I called Regina and asked her if I could stay with her, she said yes.  I walked back to the train station and got a train to Norman Ok.  I told her not to wait- to call for arrival time because trains get held up all the time but she went and waited for several hours.  I was an empty shell with no way to overcome this.  But I couldn’t collapse because she had children.  I had to figure this out.   While I was gone Mike was served with papers.  They were repossession papers of a BMW motorcycle.  There is another Michael Maloney that lives in this county and many times we have received collection notices that belong to him.  When the paper server handed Mike the papers, he figured he was being served with divorce papers.  As he read thru them he realized I was right that someone had gone thru

the garage and house- looking for the motorcycle.  Everyone thought I should go home and Stacy had flight miles to fly me to Denver.  So they got me a ticket and Mike picked me up.  I was at ‘home’ and jobless.  So I applied for many jobs but with a felony most places turned me away.  The Vet’s nursing home accepted me and I earned my C.N.A. thru them.  I was working graveyards and dispatching part time for OSM.

At Adriane’s graduation she moved back here.  She settled here, found what appeared to be a nice boy.  Adriane worked hard building her family, but Nathan did not help.  She came to me upset, pregnant and needing help.  So we all sat down and talked about them moving in here and getting some money saved up and back out on their own.  They moved in, and both Adriane and Nathan worked regularly.  Sadly though Nathan refused to take financial responsibility for his family.  It became apparent he was not going to change and Adriane told him to leave.  On January 22, 2010 they had a handsome baby boy, Caedin.  Adriane is a single mom who is doing a great job!    They lived here for a few months before she rented them an apartment in Rifle.  We got to see lots of both of them until Adriane moved to Oklahoma to help Regina who was divorced and struggling with her asthma.

Adriane’s high school friend, Michelle, threw Adriane’s baby shower.  It was so much fun!  The girls found me a ‘sash’ to wear that said Grandma to be!  It was inspiring to hear what the ladies said about my lovely daughter.  Two of her friends that she invited had sons that she went to school with.  Each of these ladies told us that they wished Adriane was with their son.  They would love to have her in their family!  I know I have been greatly blessed with this young lady.

Depression – More Honest Confessions

I awoke on Wednesday so depressed and oppressed it was hard to function. Just asking my daughter some tough questions through a text message brought forth sobs of despair. When her answers were positive I moved my mind to others that I am concerned about.
I felt like a lion was just about to pounce on me and devour me. I had this foreboding intuition that the worst possible news was about to be dropped on me. These are two feelings I’ve had many times throughout this year. I keep several of my handouts from my counseling through what is now known as Colorado Mind Springs Health. I read through them and apply their wisdom. They help in a variety of ways.
I spoke with my other daughter later in the day and told her I was battling hard with depression. As we were talking both of my daughters suggested the same reason for my depression to be resurfacing. But what I heard in her voice made me realize she was concerned about me committing suicide. So I spoke up, I told her I am depressed. It is all I can do to not sob hysterically, but I am not suicidal. While she was relieved for this information I realized that as I try to help promote how to help people like me who fight mental illness this needs to be addressed.
We all like to have checklists and mental health does not allow for a checklist to work as well as I would like it to. But I am going to attempt to address in here what transpired through this breakdown of stability in my life in hopes of it helping others.
I woke up from a dream that clearly recalled was one of my children is desperate trouble, using drugs, sleeping around, etc and one of my other children encouraging her to hide it from me and not let me be involved. Mind you my children are all grown and living their own successful lives. And I told myself this while the foreboding feelings were overtaking me. There is a possibility this dream was about other young people in my life I care about but who ever the dream was about I could not find any logical reason to worry. I asked the hard questions of my daughter who lives out-of-state. She assured me she is not doing those things.
The impending doom feeling kept getting stronger. I had to get to work and felt I didn’t have time to go through my worksheets. My husband gave me a hug. You know those hugs. The ones that say I love you, I know it is a really bad day and I am here hugs. The hug brought on the sobbing. I gathered together my frayed edges and left for work.
A dear friend told me that she felt the lion ready to pounce was depression. When I thought about the bible verse, beware Satan is lurking like a lion waiting to devour you, I agreed with her. So I began praying that Satan leave, praying for God’s protection of my mind and my family. I know when I fall into depression it is as hard on the family as it is me.
Then sometime after talking to my 2nd daughter I gave myself permission to be sad. I decided instead of trying to hide it or be ashamed of it I will embrace it. It is a real emotion. I did not feel I had a ‘reason’ to be sad. I’ve kept this quiet and secretive because I feel like I am crazy. I’ve been told I am crazy. So I don’t talk about it. Today that is changing- I am talking about it. My counselor assured me that I am NOT crazy. So maybe if you can read this and make some sense of it you can help someone else with what I have experienced.
Today is Saturday and I no longer feel overwhelming sad. The lion is not waiting to pounce. I gave myself permission to be sad and to cry. In the past I have stuffed all emotions that I could not explain. They were still there and at times would all burst out at the same time which made me feel completely out of control of my life. I would have these foreboding intuitions that I would ask people I love if they are okay until they are SICK and TIRED of hearing my voice. I see it in their eyes, I hear it in their texts- I am fine, Mom- you are the only crazy one. So I do my best to stuff that impending doom feeling until I finally just crumble to being suicidal.
I can’t trust my emotions, I can’t trust my intuitions, NO ONE understands, Everyone thinks I am crazy- I must be crazy. They would be better off without me bothering them all the time. They will do better without me. And the thoughts go on and on until planning suicide gives me an outlet for all these stuffed emotions and intuitions. Because I plan it my head, there is NO arguing. There is NO one telling me it’s wrong. There is NO one telling me its crazy. It is whole conversations that I have not recognized as only my participation in. By the time I have been ready to put my plan into action my mind has usually turned it into a fight between you and I. I will finally have MY way. I am done doing it your way and letting you win. YOU just think I am crazy. I will show you I am not crazy! I planned this and did it without your assistance in any way!
Does that sound crazy? Yes, even to me it does! But these are some of the real thoughts/beliefs I’ve overcome in the past.
So here is a checklist that might help you?!?
Your loved one says they feel depressed/sad.
DO NOT ASK WHY! Ask- How can I help?
You are probably going to get an answer like, there’s nothing you can do. I will handle it.
ASK!! Are you thinking about suicide? Push for an answer. Don’t be nullified with abstract non answers to this question. If your loved one is evasive, please err on the side of caution and assume the answer is yes.
Most people I have dealt with that say NO I am not suicidal are ‘safe’ and we can all help them deal with the depression/sadness.
Encourage talking about it with anyone and everyone! At the end of my last delivery run on Wednesday, the sweet kind lady that checks in our boxes at the airport asked how I was. I was honest. I did not say, fine. I said I’ve been battling with depression all day and managed somehow not to start crying right there. She struggled with depression and said when it starts in for her she starts taking more B vitamins! This has been helpful for me in the past and I stopped and bought me some new B1 vitamins. But what is more important here is that her and I talked about it. She didn’t ignore it, or tell me not to feel that way. She said I understand, I struggle with it to and here is what I do. The acceptance helped me.
This week what I discovered is just let myself be sad! I didn’t have a reason for it and that is okay. I am no longer feeling that overwhelming sadness. The foreboding doom feeling has left too. Will it return? More than likely the answer is yes. Yes I will have to annoy my loved ones with those questions- are you okay? Is your life falling apart? I will hopefully always be wrong with feelings of doom and gloom.
Feel free to comment or ask questions! I am not an expert, but I have lots of experience and will answer anything I am able to!