On July 20th the world lost another sweet soul to suicide. He was an amazing brother, friend, son and young man. The emotional pain he must have felt many people will never understand. Losing this bright young person has brought up so many emotions, not only for me but for his family that loved him dearly. Twenty five years ago the world lost my brother to suicide. It is an occurrence that never goes away, although the pain isn’t as bad now.
I’ve also felt so much emotional pain that I have considered suicide. Some people said I was bi-polar, others maniac depressive and even others call it mental illness. I’ve been thru a variety of counselors and I am blessed that currently I do not fall victim to the terrible thoughts that lead me on a downward spiral.
I’ve had so many thoughts that I want to share with my loved ones and his loved ones. Suicide leaves everyone feeling guilty. People think they haven’t done enough or were kind enough. I am here to tell you my perspective. My dear loved ones- I was the one who wasn’t enough. I never felt good enough to be your mother, wife, sister or friend.
I’ve felt not good enough at most things in my life. That is why I have worked so much. It is the one thing I knew I did well. I fell miserably short as a wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend to everyone in my life. I beat myself up with my shortcomings over and over. I saw glimpses of other lives that seemed ‘perfect’ and knew how broken I was. Comparison is never helpful. We tend to compare our own personal worst blunders to someone’s best successes and that is unrealistic.
At my lowest times I want each of you to know- I didn’t feel ‘good enough’ to be in your life. It was never that you didn’t show me love. It was never that I wanted to hurt you. It was that I felt a complete and total failure and did not want to drag you down with me. I did know how much you loved me. I also knew how much I didn’t deserve that love. I felt as though I was a ball and chain holding you back from flying. I love you with all my heart, soul, body and mind. But all the love in the world doesn’t fix depression. It doesn’t even scratch the surface of it.
It is not your fault that we have lost loved ones to suicide. You are mourning your brother today, I am mourning my brother and yours. Life has dealt us a hand of cards I wish we could discard. I wish that we could stack the deck and have our brothers back in our lives.
That is me being selfish. I honestly believe that our brothers are in heaven, pain free and peaceful. They are now part of our cloud of witnesses that cheer us on through life. I should not ever want them to live here and suffer this world again.
I believe we are all spiritual beings here on earth for a human adventure. I miss my brother more than words can ever describe. He was the sweetest, kindest person when he was not drinking. Sadly alcohol changed him into an ugly, hateful person. He was my defender and believed in me like very few people ever have. Of course he also tormented me endlessly just like most big brothers! More than once I remember being tickled until I was crying. What I wouldn’t give for one of those torture sessions today!
Let’s help fight suicide. Suicide Hot Line 1-800-273-8255 If you know someone who struggles with depression be that annoying friend that nags them into successful counseling. I am grateful that my husband did this for me.
Remember – Be Kinder than necessary EVERY one is fighting some kind of battle. Your kindness could help change a life AND the world!