Hello Pen and Paper,
I received a horrible telephone call Monday night. I knew I had to put things on hold and get there to help one of our children. I called my husband and said we are leaving when I get home- get ready.
Mental Health issues have been no stranger to this family. My brother committed suicide in 1991. He left behind his sweet 5 year old son and the rest of us wishing we had done more, wanting to know what we did wrong. Should I have done this? Would that have made a difference. The words of my nephew still make me cry today, “Why didn’t Daddy know I loved him enough to stay alive?”
Sadly that wasn’t enough when I attempted suicide. And to those whom I hurt, please know it was never because you didn’t love me ‘enough’. I just didn’t want to hurt anymore. The emotional pain was more than I could handle any longer. I am grateful I did not succeed. I am happy that I’ve been part of your lives and traveling this journey we call life. I apologize for hurting you.
#suicideawareness will be my focus for now. I want to be the change that I so desperately need to see in our world. I’ve used anti-depressants, I’ve ‘graduated’ from Mental Health counseling and I still struggle with mental health issues. I have tools to help me and I utilized all of them this last week. I don’t ever want to see another person I love, like or even hate hurt like our family hurt this last week.
I will not tell their story. They deserve the respect to tell their story. I am grateful beyond words that the God we serve brought us a walking, talking living miracle. Praise God for answering the prayers of our family- biological, church and adopted.
While finding my path to the creation of a Suicide Awareness group- I’ve found many good websites with great information. I am disappointed because we still don’t have the answers of how to stop this. You know- if I break my arm it hangs there funny and even if I don’t notice it broken other people do and get me the necessary help. Then it has a cast and everyone KNOWS she has a broken arm. But when my mind begins to root into itself finding every despicable thing about me and broadcast it across my personal widescreen monitor- no can see it. No one can turn it off and say don’t watch that. No one can hear my inner voice that says “you are in the way- just get out of here” on repeat. I am the only one that hears my mind saying ‘you aren’t good enough’ over and over again. So things spiral out of control and downward.
But with the help of Mental Health counselors I’ve found one of my many tools is God and His word.
2 Corinthians 10:5 New International Version (NIV)
5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
So when my inner demons begin telling me I am not enough I take that thought captive and I declare that I am enough. God sent his son to die for me because I was enough. I refuse to listen to this demon anymore and instead I think on all good things.
Philippians 4:8 New International Version (NIV)
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Sometimes the things I find to think about are around me and not me- but they are good and shut up the demons.
If you struggle with mental health and need someone to talk to; I am willing to listen. I don’t have the answers. I care. I love everyone. I want to help. I want to be the change that helps you live one more day, one more hour, one more minute until the hurt subsides and you can resume.
This last week hit me so hard that I will be getting the semicolon tattoo. My daughters asked me if I wanted to do this together a few years ago and I turned them down. I was ashamed of me and it hurt too much to think that my daughters had ever been suicidal. It doesn’t hurt any less today- but I am no longer ashamed. I am an open book. If something I have experienced will help someone else I want you to know anything and everything about my life.
Dear Heavenly Father, I’ve seen you move mountains in my life more than once. I’ve seen you bring change in ways only you were capable of. Father we need you today to help us stomp out suicide. Please guide my steps and create through me a safe place for people to turn to in their time of need. Thank you God for bringing us our miracles last week. May your Glory shine through our family forever more. AMEN